Friday, July 29, 2011

I'm Still Going To Tip, But Please Don't Do That

1. Don't sit down at the table to take my order. I don't know you.

2. Don't make jokes about what type man you think I am. You don't know me.

3. Do not say, "Wow! You must have been hungry. You wanna lick the plate?" I've been eating fast my entire life. The people I'm dining with know that.

4. Do not neglect my water.

5. Do not baby talk my child.

6. Do not sweep under my table while I'm sitting there.

7. Don't keep asking, "Can I get you anything else?" Just bring me the check and I'll leave.

8. Do not stand over my shoulder, and stare at me while I'm eating.

9. Please do not refer to my wife as, "Momma. What can I get for you? Here's your margarita. I bet Momma's happy now."

10. Do not take the credit card receipt out of my hands before I'm done signing.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

10 Things I Would Like to See Today/Tonight

1. Shooting Star

2. Rain

3. Homemade Fashion Show

4. Sunset

5. Bicycle Pump

6. Ice Cream Truck

7. New Shoes

8. Scratch off

9. Pool

10. Van Halen

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

10 "Fields"

1. Love Field

2. Field of Dreams

3. Right Field

4. Strawberry Fields

5. W.C. Fields

6. Field House

7. Field Day

8. Field Museum

9. Home Field

10. Field Hockey

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

10 Memorable Traits of Woody's Convenience Store in Allen, TX

1. Their logo was an owl in blue overalls.

2. The floor was old school cafeteria tile.

3. They had the coldest chocolate milk.

4. Fresh Chic-o-sticks.

5. We went there every Sunday.

6. It was owned by a man who looked a lot like the logo.

7. Every parade went right past Woody's.

8. They had green apple, grape, and strawberry bubble gum.

9. They had really icy Icees.

10. You could see into the stock room through the drinks. Someone was always restocking the drinks.

10 Things I Hear on a Daily Basis 7/25/11

1. "I'm dooone."

2. "Pleeeeease."

3. "Can we go to the movie feater?"

4. "You better get your little ass outta the street! Take your little brother to the Walgreens."

5. "Ice cream!"

6. "You don't know how to share."

7. "Where's Craig at?"

8. "She looks like a brat."

9. "No Bella!" No!

10. "I love you daddy."

10 Things I Hear on a Daily Basis

1. "I'm dooone."

2. "Pleeeeease."

3. "Can we go to the movie feater?"

4. "You better get your little ass outta the street! Take your little brother to the Walgreens."

5. "Ice cream!"

6. "You don't know how to share."

7. "Where's Craig at?"

8. "She looks like a brat."

9. "No Bella!" No!

10. "I love you daddy."

10 Rights/Wrights 7/24/11

1. Civil Rights

2. Two lefts don't make a right.

3. Two wrongs don't make a right

4. Wilbur and Orville Wright

5. Right angle

6. Right Hand

7. Right Answer

8. Chris Wright

9. Fight for your Right

10. Right Wing

Saturday, July 23, 2011

10 "Firsts" That Did Not Live Up To The Hype

1. First Kiss

2. First Date

3. First Car

4. First Thursday

5. First Pet

6. First Sleepover

7. First Birthday

8. First Day of School

9. First Flight

10. First Period

Friday, July 22, 2011

10 Things Happening Before 10

1.  One tired daddy

2. Two rambunctious girls

3.  Three gas company workers in my back yard staring at each other, saying things like, "Shoot. I don't know? F**k it. If we hit it we hit it. Oh hell. We don't have the right part anyway. We'll deal with it on Monday."

4.  Four frogs released in the play room by a curious three year old.

5. Five frogs killed by a curious three year old frog handler.

6. 6 loads of laundry done, folded, and put away.

7. 7 homemade popsicles in the freezer.

8. 8 library books read and discussed.

9. 9 rounds of the Pictionary card game.

10. 10 more hours before I can clock out.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Tales From A Library Parking Lot

1. There was a man asking me to check his books out for him because he lost his library card. He needed $1.30 to catch the bus.

2. A woman gave me the stink eye because apparently I got to close to her while she was walking and reading. I said, "Thank you girls for being born so I no longer have to kill stupid people."  Bella said, "Daddy you would kill her?"  "No Bella I'm just acting tough. I would never hurt anyone. I'd just try to outsmart them."     "I don't see how you could do that, dad."

3. A man looked at me and said, "What's up big dog?"

4. I watched a car make four attempts to back into a parking space. Then the same car backed into a parked car and drove off.

5. One of the library workers was outside on his cellphone, smoking a cigarette. Oh yeah, he had on jeans, white socks, and flip flops.

6. I saw some benches that looked quite comfortable. They were exceptionally hot, and gave me a free splinter in my leg.

7. Amelia bit Bella, and said, "I like to bite daddy. It's fun."   "Do you need to be in time out."   "Well that's not fun like biting."

8. A man was wearing what appeared to be a trash bag, and running at the Scott Field Track.

9. Three teenagers were walking side by side and enjoying their electronic devices.

10. An older gentleman was slouched way over carrying a book. I thought, "Is that book really that heavy?" Then I stood up real tall, went home, and drank a glass of milk.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

10 Areas Where Rednecks Seem to Thrive

1. Making babies

2. Hitting the jackpot at Chuck E Cheese

3. Winning the Lottery

4. Blowing their lottery winnings

5. Talking an incredible amount of trash while receiving a beat down.

6. Driving backwards

7. Snake Handling

8. Noodling

9. Cooking Stew

10. Making a grand entrance/dramatic exit

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

10 "Changes"

1. La Changes

2. Social Changes

3. Diaper Change

4. Loose Change

5. Oil Change

6. Lane Changes

7. Change Channels

8. Mind Changes

9. Ch Ch Ch Changes

10. Changes Clothes

Monday, July 18, 2011

10 Things that are "Thin"

1. Thin Lizzy

2. Thin Mints

3. Thin Red Line

4. Thin Crust

5. Thin Skin

6. Thin Ice

7. Thin Air

8. Wheat Thins

9. Mini Thins

10. The Thin Man

10 "Thick" Things 7/17/11

1. Thick Syrup

2. Alan Thick

3. Thick Skin

4. Thick As A Brick

5. Thick and Thin

6. Thick Walls

7. Thick as Thieves

8. Thick Knees

9. Thick of it

10. Blood Thick

Saturday, July 16, 2011

10 Quotes From a Cafeteria Clerk Named Birdy

1. "Hey Birdy. Why is the pizza square?"       "Same reason you are, I suppose."

2. "Is the ice free Birdy?"               " Birdy don't charge you for a good piece of ice."

3. "It don't look like you have much room left for any more food."    "Yeah I packed my tray pretty full."
    "It looks like you packed yourself pretty full as well."

4. "Next time someone hits you now, don't you hit him back. Kids in In School Suspension have to wait longer to eat. Birdy ain't trying to hurt nobody's feelings, but I know you don't like to wait to eat."

5. "Are you gonna ask that girl to prom or what?"    " I don't know Birdy. I probably won't go to prom."
    "What? You may as well say you ain't going to church on Sunday."

6. "I've been working here for a lot of years.  We've had plenty of perfect football seasons. Perfect losing seasons."

7. "For someone who has so much change, you ain't got much sense."

8. "Hey Birdy. I brought you a donut this morning."       "No thank you baby. There's a few things I've learned working at this school. Never break up a fight. Never give a kid a ride home. And never accept food from children. You just never know. You know."

9. "You still playing basketball."    "Yes."    "Well then I guess you should quit smoking before I tell your mother. You smell like an ashtray. Girls don't like that."

10. "Well be careful around those fireworks this summer. I'll see you next year, if your lucky."

Friday, July 15, 2011

10 Things I Hate To Hear When I'm Angry

1. "Calm down."

2. "Why are you so grouchy."

3. Laughter

4. "Do you need to eat something?"

5. "What is your problem?"

6. "You need to take a deep breath and count to ten."

7. "Do you need to talk to someone about your anger?"

8. "You are such the baby of your family."

9. "Do you know Jesus?"

10. "Think about why you're angry, and we'll start there."

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Chicken On My Mind x 10

1. Chicken Pox

2. Fried Chicken

3. Grilled Chicken

4. Chicken Head

5. Chicken Salad

6. Church's Chicken

7. Chicken Soup

8. Aishas Fish Chicken and Barbecue

9. Broiled Chicken

10. Chick-fil-A

Chicken On My Mind x 10

1. Chicken Pox

2. Fried Chicken

3. Grilled Chicken

4. Chicken Head

5. Chicken Salad

6. Church's Chicken

7. Chicken Soup

8. Aishas Fish Chicken and Barbecue

9. Broiled Chicken

10. Chick-fil-A

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

10 Things To Cure A Hangover

1. Greasy food

2. Sleep

3. Red Beer

4. Sweat it out with a little physical activity

5. Coffee

6. Water

7. Pain Medication

8. Honey

9. Fruit

10. Lie in the dark and put an ice pack on your forehead.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

10 Reasons Why I Love My Wife After 8 Years of Holy Matrimony

1. She can disappear under water, and reappear with a giant turtle in her hands. I've never seen anything like it.

2. She is the strongest person I know. She went through child birth twice with no drugs.

3. She has a great sense of humor.

4. She gave birth to two beautiful girls.

5. She thinks I'm the best.

6. She has become the chicken whisperer.

7. She went to Central.

8. She has great style.

9. She has a wonderful spirit.

10. Have you seen her?

I would also like to send Happy Birthday Wishes to our friend Jennifer Finley.

Monday, July 11, 2011

10 Things That Preschoolers and Alcoholics Have in Common

1. They both close talk people at a high volume.

2. They both have young girl friends.

3. They both might pee their pants.

4. They both sleep on the floor.

5. They both touch you inappropriately while attempting to get your attention.

6. They can't drive.

7. Both eat lunch at 10:00 am.

8. Both get dizzy and fall down.

9. They both talk about their mommies.

10. You have to speak slowly, clearly, and give step by step instructions in order for them to understand you.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

10 "Lights"

1. Friday Night Lights

2. Christmas Lights

3. Northern Lights

4. Light Saber

5. Night Light

6. Light So Bright

7. Light Weight

8. Lightning

9. Snake Light

10. Moon Light

10 Things That Have a Different Meaning After Having Children 7/9/11

1. "Where are your panties?"

2. "Well that's what happens when you dance with your eyes closed."

3. "Where do you want me to sleep? There's always three girls in my bed."

4. "Why did you pee on the floor?"

5. "Are you ready for your bath?"

6. "Where's your mom?"

7. "Look at your cute little butt."

8. "Will you lay down with me?"

9. "Will you play with me?"

10. "I like your boobies."

Friday, July 8, 2011

10 "Tubes"

1. Youtube

2. Test tubes

3. Boob Tube

4. Tuberculosis

5. Fallopian Tube

6. Inner Tubes

7. Water Tube

8. Tubular

9. Ear tubes

10. Vacuum Tubes

Thursday, July 7, 2011

10 Things That are "Rocky"

1. Balboa

2. Road

3. Mountains

4. Horror Picture Show

5. and Bullwinkle

6. Relationships

7. Ground

8. Marciano

9. Top

10. Water

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

10 Things That Happened South of Markham and North of Capitol Today

1. A teenager crawled into a man hole. When he emerged, his friends took off his shoes and he threw up. Then they all shot bottle rockets at him.

2. A yard guy mowed the wrong yard. He discovered the mistake about half way through, and then left.

3. There was a huge rat chasing a squirrel.

4. A pigeon relieved itself on my left arm.

5. A scooter with a sticker reading, "One less car," had a wreck.

6. A man asked me if I would trade him a screwdriver for a slightly used hunting knife.

7. The gas company hit the water main, again.

8. A snake said hello to me.

9. I saw a small child riding a dog like a horse.

10. Amelia got stuck in a plastic tub while floating in a blow up pool.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

10 Reasons I'm Not Celebrating Next Year

1. I have a meat hangover.

2. Our chickens are missing.

3. There was a snake, eating a frog in my garage.

4. Somebody ate my Apple Fritter.

5. I'm tired of pushing children in an uphill parade.

6. I don't want to listen to someone read the entire Declaration of Independence at the end of the uphill parade.

7. I was inches away from losing an eye last night.

8. My head hurts.

9. I have to figure out what to do with yet another blow up pool.

10. I hate cherry pie.

Monday, July 4, 2011

10 Products to Buy for Your Own Fireworks Show

1. Optimum 200 shot in box fireworks display

2. Glo Lantern- This is a very relaxing, bonfire type of display

3. Colussus 173 Shot display

4. Wheely Wonka- Jumbo Spinning wheel

5. Shimmering Saphire Rocket

6. Centurion 105 shot box display

7. The Mega Mix- Includes 2 150 shot box displays and 3 single ignition displays

8. Crystal Empire- A well choreographed 272 shot display

9. Grand Finale Firework- Perfect to end the night. Fills the entire sky

10. Electric Storm- Shoots different colored comets through the air

10 Products to Buy To Build Your Own Fireworks Show

1. Optimum 200 shot in box fireworks display

2. Glo Lantern- This is a very relaxing, bonfire type of display

3. Colussus 173 Shot display

4. Wheely Wonka- Jumbo Spinning wheel

5. Shimmering Saphire Rocket

6. Centurion 105 shot box display

7. The Mega Mix- Includes 2 150 shot box displays and 3 single ignition displays

8. Crystal Empire- A well choreographed 272 shot display

9. Grand Finale Firework- Perfect to end the night. Fills the entire sky

10. Electric Storm- Shoots different colored comets through the air

Sunday, July 3, 2011

10 Things That Still Make Me Nervous

1. Rattling Windows

2. Rattling Snakes

3. Fish Hooks

4. My Wife

5. Neighbors

6. DIY Home Projects

7. Noisy Children

8. Conversations with Strangers

9. Flying

10. Salesmen

Saturday, July 2, 2011

10 "Bones"

1. Bone Thugs n Harmony

2. Broken bones

3. Dinosaur bones

4. Lisa Bonet

5. Bonafide

6. Bone Density

7. Collar Bones

8. Dog Bones

9. Tail Bones

10. T Bones

Friday, July 1, 2011

10 Things That Happened at the Cool Waves Lemonade Stand

1. Bella made $40 in 30 minutes.

2. A med student gave us $20 for a cup because he always parks in front of our house.

3. The neighbor kid asked, "Will ya'll be open tomorrow?"

4. An old man came by with a lawn mower and wanted some lemonade. He had a $20 bill. We did not have change, so Bella filled his huge plastic cup with lemonade, and said, "It doesn't matter if you have money. You're working harder than we are. Here you go. Stay cool."

5. A guy came by on a skateboard pulled by a dog.

6. A girl came by and said, "What are you guys raising money for." Bella said, "Whatever you want girl."

7. Amelia kept licking the ice scoop.

8. Craig O'neill blocked the neighbors driveway.

9. Gus and Bella kept yelling, "Lemonade! It's Gluten free!"

10. Bella said, "Buy some lemonade. You park in front of our house everyday anyway."