10 Royal Wedding Comparisons

1. William and Kate got married in West Minster Abbey. I got married to Abby.

2. William whispered, "You look beautiful."   I said, "Damn girl!"

3. They had the whole world watching. We chose a small intimate gathering.

4. They had the royal family. We had Craig O'Neill.

5. I wore a traditional tuxedo. He didn't even wear a tie.

6. Oprah had a Royal Wedding feature. The Arkansas Democrat wrote, "The groom is a waiter."

7. They had their reception at Buckingham Palace. We chose a classy reception, with seven bands at the Clear Channel Metroplex.

8. There was no beer at the Royal reception. We had seven kegs, margarita machines, and jello shots.

9. They had Paparazzi everywhere. We had Soiree.

10. They enlisted the help of a composer for their wedding day music. We had a boom box controlled by  Ben Dickey.

10 Self Diagnosed Disorders

1. OCD-  I click my teeth in patterns of eight.

2. Insomnia- I have to force my self to fall asleep at night. If I am awoken for any reason I can't go back to sleep.

3. Old Man Hands- Hereditary wrinkly hands. It looks like I have been working with my hands my entire life. I assure you, this is not the case.

4. Driving Induced Tourette Syndrome- I break into cursing fits of rage while behind the wheel.

5. Noassatall- I get this from my daddy. No ass at all.

6. Wheat Allergies- Every time I drink a lot of beer, I feel horrible the next day. I must be allergic to the wheat.

7. Garliquetivitis-  No matter what I wash with I still wind up smelling like garlic at the end of each day.

8. ESP- I see things two or three steps ahead sometimes. I can't win the f**ing lottery though.

9. Social Disorder- I sometimes feel awkward or I have social impairment when in public situations.

10. ADHD- I never stop moving. I am always fidgeting.

10 Famous/Slightly Famous People with the Name Landon

1. Michael Landon

2. Landon Donavon

3. Landon Cohen

4. Landon Gardner

5. Landon Hilliard

6. Landon Johnson

7. Landon Parvin

8. Landon Trusty

9. Landon Wilson

10. Alf Landon

10 Arkansas Town Names I now Know Due to the Recent Severe Weather Outbreaks

1. Blue Ball

2. Gooberville

3. Mccauley

4. Horatio

5. Duckett Ford

6. Letonia

7. Possum Grape

8. Dogwood

9. Happy

10. Hickeytown

10 Memorable Cereal Slogans

1. "Snap, Crackle, Pop."

2. "There Grrreat!"

3. "Hey Mikey. He likes it."

4. "Silly rabbit. Tricks are for kids."

5. "Kid tested. Mother approved."

6. "Better Eat Your Wheaties."

7. "They're magically delicious."

8. "Just follow my nose!"

9. "I pity the fool who don't eat my cereal!"

10. "A is for Apple, J is for Jacks!"

10 Overrated Female Country Singers

1. Reba Mcentire

2. Naomi Judd

3. Shania Twain

4. Lee Ann Womack

5. Wynonna Judd

6. Deanna Carter

7. Gretchen Wilson

8. Mindy Mcready

9. Leann Rimes

10. Dixie Chicks

10 Things That Rise On Easter

1. Sun

2. Lord

3. Sister Schubert's Cinnamon Rolls

4. Calorie Intake

5. Butts in Church Pews

6. Knee Socks

7. Children before the Sun

8. High Heels

9. Egg Sales

10. Kevin's temper

10 Reasons Why You Want Kevin Kerby on Your Team

1. He is one of the greatest Trivial Pursuit players in the south.

2. He is too loyal.

3. He makes delicious grilled cheese sandwiches.

4. He gets real grouchy, but he is lovable.

5. He may not be the most athletic, but he got a Masters degree in shit talking.

6. He can dissect an opponent during a debate, without anyone noticing he never mentioned anything about the topic at hand.

7. He can speak in a fake foreign language, and it almost certainly sounds legit.

8. His knowledge for musical history is ridiculous.

9. He is a master of disguise. If need be, he can still fit into his old boy scout uniform.

10. He writes his own jokes, and he is the only person I know, who is funnier when a joke bombs, than when it is successful.

10 Hybrid Animals (Most of which truly exist)

1. Liger (Lion + Tiger)

2. Zonkey (Zebra + Donkey)

3. Grolar Bear (Grizzly + Polar)

4. Cama (Camel + Llama)

5. Leopon (Leopard + Lion)

6. Pheasaphant (Pheasant + Elephant)

7. Flamonkey (Flamingo + Monkey)

8. Wolphin (False Killer Whale + Dolphin)

9. Bullizard (Bull + Lizard)

10. Jaylo (Bluejay + Buffalo)

10 Things I Sincerely Miss

1. Bottle Rocket Wars

2. Barefoot summer storms at the old house

3. Afternoon conversations about a shared love for shitty metal bands with Luke at Pizza Cafe

4. My brother's beard

5. Donuts, scratch offs, and meaningless conversations with Michael Marsh

6. Frankie Lee Tardiff's humor

7. Cigarettes

8. Justin Bolland's game room

9. Nerf Ping Pong on the dining room table

10. Camping

10 One Hit Wonders You Secretly Love

1. Vanilla Ice- Ice Ice Baby

2. Right Said Fred- I'm Too Sexy

3. Deee-Lite- Groove is in the Heart

4. Joan Osbourne- One of Us

5. Cornershop- Brimful of Asha

6. Blind Melon- No Rain

7. A-ha- Take on Me

8. Bobby McFerrin- Don't Worry Be Happy

9. Ace of Bass- I saw the Sign

10. Dexys Midnight Runners- Come on Eileen

10 "Stripes"

1. Zebra Stripe Gum

2. White Stripes

3. Red Stripe

4. Stripes


5. Stars and Stripes

6. A Bad Case of the Stripes

7. Floral Stripe

8. Tiger Stripe Products

9. Stripe Generator

10. Fish Stripes

10 Strange Sports Names

1. Ron Tugnutt

2. Coco Crisp

3. Stubby Clapp (Former Arkansas Traveler)

4. Dick Trickle (Retired race car driver)

5. Uwe Blab

6. Dick Pole (Boston Red Sox retired)

7. Ben Gay

8. World B. Free

9. God Shamgod

10. David Seaman

10 "Palms"

1. Palm Sunday

2. Palm Trees

3. Palm Fronds

4. Palm Springs

5. Hearts of Palm

6. Palm Beach

7. Rosy Palm

8. Palm Pre

9. Palm Oil

10. Palm Pilot

10 Reasons Why My Friday Was Better Than Your Friday

1. I went to work only to find out there was no power to speak of. School Cancelled!

2. I went to Boulevard and purchased the most amazing cinnamon roll with cream cheese icing. Sugar Comatose!

3. I went home and watched In the Heat of the Night. Sidney Poitier!

4. For lunch I went to Hacienda, and had a delightful lunch with an amazing two year old. Amelia May!

5. I got in the car to leave Hacienda and heard "Rock n' Roll Damn Nation." Bon Scott!

6. I then stared down the man who tried to turn in front of me, even though he was behind me to get into the same gas station entrance. He stared at the ground, completely embarrassed. Quien es mas macho?!

7. I then returned home and won a game of Uno against that same amazing two year old. Uno Out!

8. Then I fell asleep for about twenty minutes. Power Nap!

9. Then I ate some nachos, and substituted the chips for Wasa crackers, topped with fresh cilantro and jalapenos. Wasachos!

10. Then I had a late night cocktail with the funniest and most attractive woman that I know. Abby!

10 Things You Need In Case Of a Power Outage (I only had candles)

1. Weather radio

2. Batteries

3. Candles

4. A father who is not scared of severe weather.

5. A bigger hallway/safe room

6. Cellular phone

7. Flashlight

8. Generator

9. Battery operated fan

10. Handheld Television

10 Things I Couldn't Get Right in the 80's

1. Parachute Pants

2. Rubik's Cube

3. Most people had Reebok's. I had Winner's Choice.

4. Break Dancing

5. Miami Vice Fashion. I wore a white  jacket and some homemade paintbrush jams.

6. Code for thirty lives in Contra

7. Sweater on waist

8. Moonwalk

9. Solving the final world of Super Mario Bros.

10. Hacky sack

The Truth (as I Was Taught) about 10 Historical Myths

1. Columbus did not have to convince individuals that the earth was round.

2. Edison did not invent the lightbulb. He did however patent it in 1880.

3. Nero did not fiddle while Rome burned. He wasn't even in the city when it burned.

4. Daniel Boone did not wear a coonskin cap. It was made of Beaver.

5. George Washington was not the first president.

6. Witches were not burnt at the stakes in Salem. They were hung.

7. The U.S. did not gain  Independence July 4, 1776. It was not until 1783 that Independence was officially recognized by Britain.

8. James Cook did not discover Australia. Abel Tasman was there like 100 years earlier. Ever heard of Tasmania?

9. Britain won the War of 1812. False. The United States won the War of 1812. False. Neither side was victorious, and nothing really changed.

10. Betsy Ross did not design the flag. She probably sewed it though.

10 Thirst Quenching Bands

1. Orange Juice

2. Brandy

3. Amy Winehouse

4. Whiskeytown

5. Gin Blossoms

6. Neutral Milk Hotel

7. Dead Milkmen

8. Brutaljuice

9. Juice Newton

10. Cool it all down with some Ice Cube.

10 Things I Will Never Do Again

1. Bungee Jumping

2. Peas

3. Open a bathroom door without knocking

4. Ride a horse without a saddle

5. Swim without sunscreen

6. Gluten free blueberry cake

7. Jump from roof top to trampoline to pool

8. Rugby

9. Drink an entire bottle of Tequila, and have a conversation about religion/evolution

10. Water ski in a man made lake

10 Hall Monitoring Activities

1. Saying, "Shhhh," very loudly towards silent students walking passed the testing area.

2. Finish twelve crossword puzzles from a Posh Easy Crosswords book.

3. Complete the Newspaper Crossword Puzzle

4. Kill a wasp that has landed on the test givers head.

5. Walk a child who is having an asthma attack to the nurse.

6. Watch an electrician change Exit signs in the hallway, and randomly say, "Shhhhhh," in his general direction.

7. Think about my future, and realize that it has become my past.

8. Drink a 3 liter bottle of water, and try not to leave my command post, as the overwhelming urge to urinate overcomes me.

9. Wish I had an iphone.

10. Think about all the pesticides on this delicious apple as I devour it.

10 Bands With Appetizing Names

1. Cake

2. The Lemonheads

3. Meatloaf

4. Red Hot Chili Peppers

5. The Cranberries

6. Cream

7. Salt N' Pepa

8. Green Jello (Green Jelly)

9. Bread

10. And you can wash it down with some Ice t or Everclear.

10 Questions That May Require Delicate Answers

1.  "Do you think I'm an xxxhole when I drink?"

2.  "Do you find my friends attractive?"

3.  "Have you ever killed anyone?"

4.  "How do you like these shoes?"

5.  "What do you think about my band?"

6.  "You want to go to Midtown?"

7.  "Dad, can we go to Chuck-E-Cheese?"

8.  "Do you think Santa's real?"

9.  "Does Uncle Thomas really have super powers?"

10.  "What do you think about my Chicken Spaghetti?"

10 Tough Things To Ask For

1. Directions

2. Raise

3. Money

4. Advice

5. Forgiveness

6. Overnight Babysitting

7. Help Moving

8. Med students to stop parking in front of your house

9. Day off

10. An out of town trip without children

10 Documentaries You Might Want to See

1. Jesus Camp

2. Jesco The Dancing Outlaw

3. A Film Unfinished

4. Fearless Freaks

5. The Eyes of Tammy Faye

6. Thunder Soul

7. Race to Nowhere

8. The Devil and Daniel Johnston

9. Anvil

10. The Last Waltz

10 Things I Hear Daily at the School House

1. "Man, I'm tired."

2. "I need some more coffee."

3. "Can you make a Starbucks run?"

4. "What's for lunch today?"

5. "It's my sister's birthday." (You could substitute another relative for sister.)

6. "My mom made me wake up at 2 in the morning or something."

7. "No I didn't! That was my shoe. I promise."

8. "My dad's taller than you."

9. "Spell I CUP."

10. "One dollar. Bid one dollar. Girl, Drew Carey got skinny."

10 Childhood Dreams I have Unofficially Given Up

1. Professional Wrestling

2. War Hero

3. Knight

4.  Nightrider

5. Snake charmer

6. Demolition Derby Driver

7. Stuntman

8. Motorcycle Cop

9. Kung Fu Legend

10. Olympic Gold Medalist

10 Album Titles/Band Names from Bella (6yrs.)

1. Blood Thirsty for Love

2. Fangs For Hearts

3. Vampires in Love

4. Heartbrain

5. Hell's Heartburn

6. Colors for Love

7. Jewels for Death

8. Cockatoo Feather

9. Dinosaur Teeth

10. Fish Tongue

My 10 Favorite Joke Tellers

1. David Jukes

2. Mason Kerby

3. Kevin Kerby

4. Peach Jenkins

5. George Mason Kerby Sr.

6. Drexel Dennis Baker II

7. Joan Brimer

8. Randy Hankins

9. Goose

10. Thomas Russell Tardiff Jr.

10 Things That Tug At My Heart's Strings

1. Staying up all night with a sick child, and knowing there is nothing you can do to ease their pain.

2. When I leave the house Amelia says, "Wait daddy. Wait! What about a kiss?"

3. Knowing that my childhood home is no longer standing.

4. Episodes of Friday Night Lights.

5. Early morning Feed the Children commercials.

6. Cuddly babies

7. Watching Bella walk into school.

8. Memories of summer vacations spent with Frankie and T.R.

9. The Movie Up


10. Struggling to survive, and knowing someone is always worse off than I am.