10 Quotes from My Uncle Tom

1.  "Somebody zigged when they should of zagged."

2.  "They cut me from elbow to asshole."

3.  "I pulled it in to fix an exhaust leak, and now the son of a bitch won't start."

4.  "What the hell you doing, I never got that third shut off notice."

5.  "I almost got it.  Just a couple of cosmetic things left to fix."

6.  "Hell, Kerby, how many pork rinds you think we can eat.

7.  "Oh hell, this ain't my dog."

8.  "It'll pass everything but the gas station."

9.  "This retirement thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."

10.  "I won't say another fucking word."

10 Things I Wish I Never Said

1.  "Sure, I'll play rugby."

2.  "I'll help you move."

3.  I picked up a new word at school and when my Dad called me in for dinner I said, "Okay, faggot."

4.  "Sure, Jesus, I'll go to a Latin Hip Hop club with you."

5.  When the policeman pulled me over and said, "The eyes never lie."  I responded emphatically, "Yeah, they do."

6. When I made out with Brian Kelly's girlfriend, I said, "Hey, she kissed me first."

7.  After my first real kiss, I said, "That wasn't as good as I remember."

8.  When the sister of my first kiss leaned in to kiss me, I accidentally farted and said, "Keep trying to kiss me and I'll keep farting."

9.  At Kroger when some ladies told my baby, "Your daddy's ignoring you."  I said, "I'm not ignoring her, I'm trying to hurry to get way from you crazy bitches."

10.  "Sure Trey, I'll go to Barnes and Noble with you."

10 Things I Miss About the 80's

1.  Good Star Wars movies

2.  Shoulder pads

3.  Indoor soccer

4.  Little League Baseball

5.  Live Aid

6.  Lovejoy Leopards

7.  Dukes of Hazzard

8.  My Grandparents

9.  My pony, "Sugar"

10.  Atari

10 Excuses for Missing Church

1.  Gotta watch wrestling.

2.  I'm spiritual, not religious.

3.  My stomach hurts.

4.  My baby's too young.

5.  I don't like their music.

6.  My clothes are dirty.

7.  On the seventh day, I rest.

8.  I don't have any gas.

9.  I've got too much gas.

10.  I'm giving up church for lent.

10 Things Men Over 50 Talk About (besides the weather)

1. Sports

2. Steely Dan

3. Pine Bluff

4. Politics

5. Golf

6. Drinking

7. Sunday's Crossword Puzzle

8. Choice of House paint

9. Beards

10. Gardening

10 Nicknames I would give to my brother

1. Red

2. Quincy

3. PCD (Pulaski County Daddy)

4. Bacon

5. Slaw dawg

6. Denver Pyle

7. Crazy Legs

8. Big Beard  Mcnoltey

9. Dookie

10. Boo

10 Signs I know It's Gonna Be a Bad Day

1.  A $400 gas bill.

2.  Landlord building a wooden box around my hot water heater.

3.  Ripping the crotch out of my pants while putting on shoes.

4.  If my baby craps 4 times before 11 am.

5.  If I crap 4 times before 11 am.

6.  If it's raining and the sun is shining

7.  If I wake before 6 am with that excited Christmas feeling and it's not Christmas.

8.  If my mother-in-law calls me 3 times in 1 hour.

9.  If I answer the phone and someone says, "What's up, Amigo."

10.  If I forget to put the coffee pot under the spout before I brew the coffee.