1. In second grade someone ate David Smith's Twix bar. Ms. Smith, no relation to David, would not let anyone go to recess until the culprit came forward. After 15 minutes I said, "I don't want everyone to suffer. It was me, Ms. Smith. I ate the candy bar." "I appreciate your honesty. Choose one friend, and you two go play. As for the rest of you, I am disappointed. How could you let one of your classmates take the blame for something he did not do?" Anyway, I really did eat the Twix, but that's not why I feel bad. I didn't pick David to go outside and play.
2. I distracted the clerk at George's convenience store in Neveda, Texas, while Sergio filled his pockets with candy. That's why I left an extra seventy cents for my sandwich. I still owe you about $1.22 before interest.
3. I told Robert's mom, "I think it's great that you except your son, even though you'll never have grandchildren." I swear I thought she knew.
4. Kevin, remember when I turned on the Margarita machine before your 30th birthday because I was curious? I wasn't curious. I was thirsty.
5. This one is tough, because my mother took up for me. My friends and I drank a little bit and did donuts in the yard at the old house. There were no men on four wheeler's cutting across the property. Dad, you were correct to call "Bullshit" on this one. Sorry mom, but I think you knew the truth.
6. Brookelyn, Doug and I took a trip to Denton to see some bands. Brookelyn you did something that really pissed me off. When you asked me if I was mad, I said no. When you walked away, I said, "Of course I'm mad. You don't mess around with alcohol." I don't remember exactly why I was upset with you, but I'm sorry I didn't let you know.
7. Ms. K when I was in 5th grade at Lovejoy, I told your son, "You're a jerk just like your mom."
I never really thought you were a jerk, but your son was. Turns out, he grew up to be one hell of an individual. You were one of my top three all time favorite teachers. I love you, and I miss you.
8. Tony, you were an asshole, and you treated girls like shit. You made me hang out with you. I never really liked you, and I told everyone to stay away from you. You are a Parasite.
9. I'm not going to say the name of the establishment, but I popped your car tire. It was 6 a.m., I wasn't paying attention, and I hit the curb while coming around a curve right past Craftco. Then I aired the tire up and brought the car back.
10. We will just say this next place is somewhere in Texas. I heard you using racial slurs while describing fireworks to your patrons. I'm not saying I did it, but I'm not surprised that three teenagers popped the lock on your shitty business, and took thousands of dollars worth of fireworks from inside. You racist asshole.
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