10 Quotes from My Uncle Tom

1.  "Somebody zigged when they should of zagged."

2.  "They cut me from elbow to asshole."

3.  "I pulled it in to fix an exhaust leak, and now the son of a bitch won't start."

4.  "What the hell you doing, I never got that third shut off notice."

5.  "I almost got it.  Just a couple of cosmetic things left to fix."

6.  "Hell, Kerby, how many pork rinds you think we can eat.

7.  "Oh hell, this ain't my dog."

8.  "It'll pass everything but the gas station."

9.  "This retirement thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."

10.  "I won't say another fucking word."

10 Things I Wish I Never Said

1.  "Sure, I'll play rugby."

2.  "I'll help you move."

3.  I picked up a new word at school and when my Dad called me in for dinner I said, "Okay, faggot."

4.  "Sure, Jesus, I'll go to a Latin Hip Hop club with you."

5.  When the policeman pulled me over and said, "The eyes never lie."  I responded emphatically, "Yeah, they do."

6. When I made out with Brian Kelly's girlfriend, I said, "Hey, she kissed me first."

7.  After my first real kiss, I said, "That wasn't as good as I remember."

8.  When the sister of my first kiss leaned in to kiss me, I accidentally farted and said, "Keep trying to kiss me and I'll keep farting."

9.  At Kroger when some ladies told my baby, "Your daddy's ignoring you."  I said, "I'm not ignoring her, I'm trying to hurry to get way from you crazy bitches."

10.  "Sure Trey, I'll go to Barnes and Noble with you."

10 Things I Miss About the 80's

1.  Good Star Wars movies

2.  Shoulder pads

3.  Indoor soccer

4.  Little League Baseball

5.  Live Aid

6.  Lovejoy Leopards

7.  Dukes of Hazzard

8.  My Grandparents

9.  My pony, "Sugar"

10.  Atari

10 Excuses for Missing Church

1.  Gotta watch wrestling.

2.  I'm spiritual, not religious.

3.  My stomach hurts.

4.  My baby's too young.

5.  I don't like their music.

6.  My clothes are dirty.

7.  On the seventh day, I rest.

8.  I don't have any gas.

9.  I've got too much gas.

10.  I'm giving up church for lent.

10 Things Men Over 50 Talk About (besides the weather)

1. Sports

2. Steely Dan

3. Pine Bluff

4. Politics

5. Golf

6. Drinking

7. Sunday's Crossword Puzzle

8. Choice of House paint

9. Beards

10. Gardening

10 Nicknames I would give to my brother

1. Red

2. Quincy

3. PCD (Pulaski County Daddy)

4. Bacon

5. Slaw dawg

6. Denver Pyle

7. Crazy Legs

8. Big Beard  Mcnoltey

9. Dookie

10. Boo

10 Signs I know It's Gonna Be a Bad Day

1.  A $400 gas bill.

2.  Landlord building a wooden box around my hot water heater.

3.  Ripping the crotch out of my pants while putting on shoes.

4.  If my baby craps 4 times before 11 am.

5.  If I crap 4 times before 11 am.

6.  If it's raining and the sun is shining

7.  If I wake before 6 am with that excited Christmas feeling and it's not Christmas.

8.  If my mother-in-law calls me 3 times in 1 hour.

9.  If I answer the phone and someone says, "What's up, Amigo."

10.  If I forget to put the coffee pot under the spout before I brew the coffee.

10 Obsessive Habits My Brother Has

1.  Opens the fridge and looks no matter where he is.

2.  Paces through the house while on the phone.

3.  Rips phones out of the wall when he can't hear them.

4.  Talks like my Uncle Tom a lot.

5.  Whenever he sees a house for sale he says, "That's nice, I'm gonna buy that sucker."

6.  Sells stuff on Ebay and checks the status every thirty minutes.

7.  Chews fingernails.

8.  Shows up at least 15 minutes early everywhere he goes.

9.  Screeches the tires in his truck.

10.  Sends me texts about how much he hates his cell phone.

10 Celebrities that Annoy Me

1.  Jessica Simpson

2.  Dana Carvey

3.  Cuba Gooding Jr.

4.  Toby Keith

5.  Paula Abdul

6.  Keanu Reeves

7.  Whitney Houston

8.  Celine Dion

9.  Barney

10.  Eric Clapton

10 Things I Really Wanted as a Kid

1.  Hungry, Hungry Hippo

2.  Pony

3.  Go-Kart

4.  Slot Car Racing Set

5.  MTV

6.  Mohawk (like Mr. T)

7.  The General Lee

8.  Atari

9.  The Death Star

10.  Trampoline

10 of My Favorite Movies

1.  Urban Cowboy

2.  Magnificent Seven

3.  Napoleon Dynamite

4.  Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

5.  Pass the Ammo

6.  Weird Science

7.  Friday

8.  Spinal Tap

9.  Old School

10.  Boyz' in the Hood

10 Things You Should Never Say to the Bride at Her Wedding

1.  Is that what you're wearing?

2.  Wow!  You did wear white.

3.  Is this your first time in a church?

4.  I didn't know you were pregnant

5.  So I guess you finally gave up.

6.  This is a lovely funeral, uh, I mean wedding.

7.  Aren't you a little old to be getting married?

8.  Have you even had a date before?

9.  I thought you said you were going to lose weight before today.

10.  Does this mean we're not going to do it?

My 10 Favorite Wrestlers

1.  Tito Santana

2.  Jimmi "Superfly" Snuka

3.  Rock 'n' Roll Zoomhoff

4.  Junkyard Dog

5.  Dusty Rhodes

6.  Michael P.S. Hayes

7.  Any  Von Eric--except Mike or Lance

8.  Kabuki Samari

9.  General Skandar Akbar

10.  Iceman King Parsons

10 Sandwiches I Love and Who Invented Them

1.  PB&J and Ketchup. (T. Drex Baker)

2.  Egg, Cheese, and Mustard.  (Mason Kerby)

3.  Spam, Egg, and Mustard.  (M. Kerby)

4.  Chicken, Garlic Mayo, Peanut Sauce, Swiss Cheese, Thai Noodles.  (Dean)

5.  The Stubb Sandwich.  Invented by (Marcus Tubbs) former line backer of the Dallas Cowboys:  Two slices of Texas Toast, a thick slab of pork sausage, two thick slices of American Cheese, nestled around two strips of bacon.

6.  Peanut Butter, Pickles, Mustard, and Banana.  (Jason B. Jones)

7.  Chicken Strips, Gravy, Cornbread Crumbles.  (Michael A. Marsh)

8.  Turkey on Apple Cinnamon Bread with Apple Jelly--toasted.  (J. Kerby)

9.  Left over Beef Enchiladas on whole wheat bread.  (Jesus Camarillo)

10.  Turkey, Cheese, and Marinara Sauce with a dab of sweet Bar-B-Q sauce.  (George Young)

9:20a.m. Jan. 4: 10 Reasons My Underwear's the Best

1.  Why don't you come down here and find out.

2.  Boxer briefs make my ass look hot.

3.  No one wears tighty whities anymore.

4.  No risk of wedging up like boxers.

5.  They make me feel sporty, like a pro wrestler.

6.  They enhance my cup size (even though I don't need it).

7.  Good things come in brief packages.

8.  Less likely to expose your crack.

9.  W wears 'um and he's a sweet lookin' ass.

10.  Every nut needs a hug, but no one wants to be smothered.

10 Favorite T.V. Shows of All Time

1.  Saved by the Bell

2.  The Cosby Show

3.  White Shadow

4.  Beverly Hills 90210

5.  Freaks and Geeks

6.  What's Happenin' Now

7.  Chips

8.  Dukes of Hazzard

9.  Different Strokes

10.  Banana Splits

10 Things I've Learned From My Kid

1.  Eating sweet potatoes makes your ears turn orange.

2.  Contrary to popular belief baby crap does stink.

3.  Wrapping paper is not edible.

4.  True love is when someone throws up in your mouth and you don't care.

5.  Breast milk is delicious and free.

6.  Babies are a major buzz kill.

7.  Sleep is overrated.

8.  Vacuums are scary.

9.  Boobs are great.

10.  Having a baby changes everything.

10 of My Favorite Rock Albums

1.  G'N'R "Appetite for Destruction"

2.  AC/DC "Back in Black"

3.  Beastie Boys "Sabotage"

4.  The Darkness "The Darkness"

5.  Funland "Funland Band"

6.  Metallica  "Master of Puppets"

7.  The Cult  "Electric"

8.  Dinosaur Jr.  "Green Mind"

9.  Mountain "Nantucket Sleigh Ride"

10.  Toadies  "Rubberneck"

January 1: 10 Reasons Why I Got Married

I.  To add sunshine wherever there is a ray of darkness.

II.  Gain access to "Sex and the City" seasons I and II.

III.  Unprotected sex with my wife.

IV.  Gay Marriage is illegal in Arkansas

V.  I'm too old to be on the "Real World".

VI.  To sleep in a bed not requiring an air pump.

VII.  In order not to have an illegitimate child.

VIII.  Subscription to "Cosmo".

IX. To laugh at all the lonely losers.

X.  Sweet Craig O'Neill hook-ups.