Monday, February 28, 2011

10 Outstanding moments with Christian Schwartz at Family Video

1. "What did you think about Doctor T. and the Women?"
         "They should of called it Doctor T. and the Shitty Movie."

2. "What do you think about Leonardo Dicaprio's new movie?"
           "You mean, Leonardo Dicraprio?"

3. "Can I help you?"      "No. I'm just looking around."
     "Good. I didn't want to help you anyhow."

4. "Thank you for calling Family Entertainment Super Store, where you can rent Cast Away, winner of four Academy Awards. This is Christian. How can I help you?"

5. "I figured out a new diet."     "Well what is it?"
    "Don't eat before you go to bed, and when you get hungry, drink beer."

6. "New rule. If Jeff Matika walks through the door, you have to crank Ashtray Babyhead as loud as it will go."     "I don't think he would like that very much."      
    "Well duh. Why the fuck else would I make it a new rule."

7. "Would you like candy, coke, or popcorn."       "Uh, no thanks."
    "Your right. You don't need it."

8. "Why is there a left over garden salad, and bottle rockets in the movie drop box?"

9. "You and your brother bring up an interesting point. I'm not sure if Kindergarten Cop, or Turner and Hooch is a better movie. Wait a minute, it's only hard to tell which one is better, because they both suck ass."

10. "Hey. Hey! Turn it up. Here comes Matika and Cook. Kill two birds with one song."

Sunday, February 27, 2011

10 Things I Miss/Don't Miss About the 90's #2

1. Pogo Balls

2. Peewee Herman

3. Spuds Mackenzie

4. American Gladiators

5. Michael Jordan

6. TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

7. Chris Gaines

8. Dan Cortez

9. 90210

10. Kriss Kross

Saturday, February 26, 2011

10 Annoying Habits That I Love

1.  Bella picks up couch pillows with her feet, and throws them on the floor.

2. My wife always asks me to find her pajama pants, even though she is more aware of where her pants might be.

3. I like the way Amelia makes me act out the Nutcracker almost every day.

4. The first thing Gus does is take off his shoes when he comes into my house.

5. I love it when Todd calls Kevin, and then makes him wait while he orders at the Starbucks drive thru.

6. Slaughter never stops twirling his hair.

7. I've always been annoyed when my brother points, winks, and makes a click click sound simultaneously. Although, lately I've come to appreciate it.

8.  My wife's snoring. Actually, that's bullshit. I do love my wife, but I do not like her snoring.

9. Matt White's fist to fist greetings. I hate when people do the Taters greeting, but for some reason it's cool when he does it.

10. My mom constantly talks about her health issues. Life wouldn't be the same without it.

Friday, February 25, 2011

10 Things You Should Know About Me

1. If you are older than me I don't want to hear about your sex life.

2. I hate being called, Chief, Boss, Captain, or Sailor.

3. I get nervous in social situations.

4. I am a world class pitcher of the horseshoes.

5. Craig O'Neill is my father in law. Yes he is genuine.

6. I've tried to be a Razorback fan, but I still have no emotional connection to the team.

7. Whiskey makes me mean. Tequila makes me propose.

8. I love babies.

9. I know I'm lucky to be married to Abby.

10. If I shake your hand, I either don't like you or I don't know you. It's hugs only with me.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

10 Thoughts of the Old Homestead

1. One summer day, my friend, Jim, and I drove around small towns all day looking for a place that would sell beer, without asking for an I.D. We were 17 or 18. He had a pretty substantial beard by that point of the summer, so we agreed that he would be the buyer. After a couple  hours of shameful denial, we arrived in Melissa, Texas. We pulled up to a gas station, and Jim went inside. He returned to the car with an 18 pack of Natural Light. We drove straight to my house, and put our newly acquired treasure in  a refrigerator in the back of the Hanger. We were going to wait until the beer was nice and cold, and drink it that night. It was a fool proof plan. When we returned, around eight, my dad and my uncle were standing with the fridge door open, and gazing inside with confused faces. As soon as they saw the two of us, my dad said, "Who's beer is this." I panicked. I had to think fast. So i made up the first name that came to my head. "That's Steve's." As they opened the first two beers, my dad looked at Jim and I, and said, "Tell Steve me and Tom said, Thanks."

2. On another occasion, Kevin and I were sitting around during a hot day, bored out of our minds, and wishing we had MTV. We decided to go outside to see what kind trouble we could get into. One thing led to another, and he ended up chasing me around the yard, hitting the ground behind my heels with a baseball bat. My aunt, who stayed across the road at the time, started screaming for Kevin to stop swinging the baseball bat in my general direction. We both stopped, turned, and shot a total of four middle fingers in her direction. We then got back to our bat wielding game. Sorry you had to find out this way, mom.

3. I actually had a pony named Sugar growing up. One day Sugar got out of her pen, and drank some rain water that contained pesticides. The poison killed her. As they were coming to haul her lifeless body away I said, "She's just sleeping. She'll wake up."

4. When I was four, all I asked for at Christmas was a Hungry Hungry Hippo game. As the presents got thinner and thinner, I got more and more excited. After all the presents were opened, I looked around the entire living room. No luck. I did not get my Hungry Hungry Hippo, that I so greatly desired. I was heart broken. I began to cry. Suddenly, my wish appeared under the tree. It was my Hungry Hungry Hippo game. Turns out, my parents had forgotten to put the game under the tree, until they noticed my epic meltdown.

5. Our across the street neighbor, Mr. Watkins, had a dog named Wednesday. Every time a car would pass, Wednesday would do backflips.  Problem was there was not a lot of traffic at that time, so sometimes we would watch that dog all day, just see her do about 5 or 6 backflips.

6. We had an old Harley Davidson golf cart. We would take off through the field weaving in and out of cattle, trying not to piss off the Bull to much. Actually, really trying to piss off that Bull.

7. Before I was born my brothers were really into Superman. My oldest brother, Todd, asked my other brother, Kevin, if he wanted to fly like Superman. Of course he wanted to fly. So, Todd threw him off the top of the Butane tank, causing Kevin to land on his arm. "Your supposed to land on your feet dummy."      My dad told Kevin, "Stop acting like such a baby." After Kevin cried all night long, my parents took him to the ER. X-rays showed it was a broken arm. My father still feels bad about this one.

8. A Tornado Warning was in effect for the Northern part of Fairview. I was terrified. However, my sister and my brother were not worried a bit.  "They just issued a Tornado Warning for our town!"
My sister's response, "Yeah, but that's the Northern part of Fairview."   Fairview is located on a stretch of country road, that is all of about three or four miles long. I was scared Y'all.

9. When I was 7, Kevin and I got a slot car racing set. It was really cool. It had a loop to loop, and it would go up and down the wall. I believe it was called The Cliffhanger. One evening we were playing with our new favorite waste of time, and my mom called us for dinner. Kevin said, "I'm going to the kitchen, will you unplug The Cliffhanger."  It was plugged into an orange extension cord which was plugged into the wall. Being a stupid kid, I tried to unplug the extension cord, not knowing that I could just unplug the other cord from the wall. Well, I wasn't strong enough to pull the chord out of the extension chord, so I put the extension cord in my teeth, and attempted to pull the other end out. Boy was I shocked. Literally. I was in the process of being electrocuted. I remember thinking about the faces of my family. I did not want to die. I pulled and pulled, and finally the    
cord fell out of my mouth. For about 10 or 15 seconds I could not feel a thing. My mom set me in a chair in the kitchen to look at the newly charred hole in my mouth. I looked at Kevin. He was ghost white. Seeing his face sent me into a frenzy. "I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!

10.  I use to love building forts out of hay bails, and roller skating in our Airplane Hanger, all the while listening to Huey Lewis and the News. This one's for Jack Lloyd.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

10 Things I Heard While Working at Pizza Cafe

1. "I was watching that Million Dollar Price is Right, last night, and this old gal won a Jeep and a Escalade."

2. "Could I get a side of House dressing?"  
              "How about a side of shut the hell up?"

3. "Have a good night. I hope ya'll had fun."

4. "Man we shut this place down last night. We didn't get out of here until like ten or ten-thirty."

5. "I know Richard."

6. "I can smell it Jerms!"

7. "Let's get this food out of the window! We got to go! go! go! Where's the effin ticket for this order!"

8. "We don't want you to wait on us. We want that girl with the big titties."
            "Want me to shake my ass or something."    
    "No way bro! That's gay."

9. "Mr. night time! Working the graveyard shift huh? Got the A crew tonight."

10. "I can't believe it. Luke thinks I'm lazy. Does anybody else feel this way. I mean he's all waving his long arms around like, 'Yeah I mean you know. I mean I don't know. Like yeah I think your lazy. Yes. I think you could do a little more around here'. I thought I chopped plenty of chicken. Of course I'll talk to him again. It's gonna cost him an apology, and one of those wiry hugs of his."
         

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My 10 Rules at Oaklawn

1. Do not bring more than $20.

2. Never bet on the pink horse.

3. Always bet on a horse that has the name of one of your loved ones in it's name.

4. Only drink if you win.

5. I try to look for horses named after firecrackers and Indian warriors. Choose wisely if you pick a horse using this method. I have about a 17% success rate when applying this method.

6. Always bet on the pink horse.

7. Do not bet on a horse if Craig O'Neill tells you,  "Oh this horse is a lock. You better put all your money on this one."

8. Only eat if you win.

9. Do not bring your young children to the track. They do not bring you luck.

10. If you want Craig O'Neill hookups at the races, you must go with him. Do not go if he says, "They know your coming, just tell them Craig O'Neill sent you." Trust me they do not give a shit if you know Craig O'Neill. You only get the hookup if he is with you. Thanks Craig.

Monday, February 21, 2011

10 Things I Love About My Parents

1. Whenever they would argue, one of them would storm off, and always return with an apology, and a dairy product.

2. Once, we had a dog that kept biting everyone. My dad said,  "I'm going to take him to live in a lovely home in the country." We later came to the realization that we lived in the country.

3. I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard my mother use profanity. However, one of these rare moments I happened to catch on tape. While I was fiddling with my new boom box one Spring, she was sewing something for my sister, and made a wrong stitch. "Shit! Did you record that! Shit! Shoot! I said, Shoot!"

4. One summer day, my dad went outside, and did a couple of hours worth of yard work. When he came inside my mom said, "Whew Mason you smell."        "No Joyce, you smell. I stink."

5. I love the way my dad  pauses while telling a joke. He pauses for so long that I never know when to laugh. However, somehow this makes him the best joke teller I know.

6. One thing I've noticed is the way they look at each other. It hasn't changed a bit. There is still a spark.

7. They always have a bag of fajita chicken in their freezer.

8. Whenever my mom would give my father a chore for the day, he would wait until she was out of ear shot, and say, "I'm gonna file that one under shit I already know."

9. They use to keep all their important documents in a broken down Delta '88 next to the hanger.

10. They love family, laughter, and they truly care about the well being of others.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

10 Quotes from My Wife's Grandmothers

1. "He's supposed to pass the beans. They're right in front of his face. What is he blind?"

2. Right before opening a gift on her birthday she said, "Alright, let me see what else I don't need."

3. "Why did they name her Amelia? When there's so many pretty names like, Jane or Ruth."

4. "That sure is a big bite for such a little baby."

5. "Don't leave the doors open, or  lizards will come in, and run across your face at night."

6.  "Bella looked just like her momma when she was born. Just beautiful. This one looks like Josh."

7. "Me and Tilly will be coming for lunch. Better set an extra place."      

8. "How's that brother of yours? He has no manners."           I burped real loud after she said this.

9. "Why are your children being so loud? They're gonna lose the starter for my Mexican Train Dominoes."

10. "Back then women were much thinner because we chased the children around, instead of going to work, and eating."

Saturday, February 19, 2011

10 Things I Grew Up with

1. Strange Holiday Traditions

2. That one crazy Uncle

3. An airplane hanger and runway with no airplane

4. A water well

5. A treasure filled dump at the edge of our property

6. A dried up fishing pond, that always made me wonder, "Why do they call it a fishing pond?"

7. There was a giant Oak Tree, equipped with a less than stable piece of plywood, referred to as a treehouse.

8. An aunt who would give gifts, only to take them back, and sell them at the local flea market. Ex: Once she gave me a malt machine for my birthday. A few days later she stopped by on her way to the flea market.   "I need to borrow that malt machine to make malts for the kids at market."    My mom sat me down to explain my aunt's intentions, but I already knew.

9. Marshall Watkins, the old man who lived across the street, and had a yard that would rival that of Fred and Lamont Sandford. He always had a  Mason jar full of cold sweet tea, fresh eggs, and stories that would make you question your own manhood.

10. A giant butane tank that looked like a submarine.

10 Boy Bands

1. New Kids On The Block

2. 98 Degrees

3. O Town

4. Bell Biv Devoe

5. NSYNC

6. Backstreet Boys

7. Menudo

8. Boys II Men

9. Another Bad Creation

10. Jackson 5

Friday, February 18, 2011

My 10 Greatest Fears (For Real)

1. Clowns

2. Success

3. Failure

4. Conversation

5. Pooping in a public place

6. Driving with passengers in the car

7. Slot car racing sets

8. The DMV

9. Sug Knight

10. Unsolved Mysteries

Thursday, February 17, 2011

10 Overheard Conversations

1.  "I'd like to fight Matt Floyd. You know, just in a fair fight. I think I could take him."                                      
          "Dude you just used Matt Floyd and fair fight in the same sentence."

2.  "You can't write an article about the birth of Rock n' roll in Arkansas without mentioning The Band."        
           "Okay. What band?"

3. "Give me my money Duffee!"
       "Hold on now, this is a benefit show."

4. "You know The Band, with Levon Helm."
         "How do you spell his name? Lee Vonhelm?"

5. "I can make you a spritzer."
        " No! What kind of an establishment don't carry wine coolers. Let's go girl."

6. I just happened to be at Atomic Guitars hanging out one summer day. A car pulls up, and parks on the sidewalk out front. Two guys in cut off shorts get out, and one of them says, "Hey Johnny. Show Gary that extortion pedal."  

7. I was at UALR eating lunch between classes, and listening to these guys talk about Spring Break. Suddenly, this fifty something year old student with a mullet walks up, and says, "Let's go down to Panama City. We'll show them girls what Jaws is really all about."

8.  "This class requires a lot of reading. It's going to take a lot of dedication."
           "Excuse me. I don't have time to read. I'm in college."

9. " You're working on Sunday? You got something against church."
          "No. I know my Jesus!"

10. "I swear dude I'm sixteen. Where's my? What? I'll be right back. Hey girl. Where the fuck is my I.D.? Okay, look guy, I swear I'm sixteen. My friend lost my I.D."
          "I've been trying to tell you for the last fifteen minutes you have to be 17 to see that movie."
       "So now you're not gonna let me in? Why didn't you just say so?!"

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

10 Quotes from the Original Drex (#5-8 courtesy of Drexel Trey Baker)

1. "No I don't want them back. They already got your shit stains in them."

2. "Trey has a different definition of borrowing than you and I. He gives you a gift, borrows it, and never gives the damn thing back."

3.  " I'm cooler right now than you'll ever be in your entire life, Trey."

4. "I do love you Trey. I just wish you'd stop asking so many fucking questions."

5. Once he got shorted a couple of pieces of chicken at Church's, and didn't realize it until he got home. "They just lost my damn business." He then jumped back in the car and went back for the chicken he had been shorted.

6. On a school night, after consuming about 6 Jack and Cokes, he said, "Chilli's ready, let's eat." It was well after midnight.

7. "Your just like Trey, you ungrateful little Bastard."

8. He asked Trey how he was liking New York. "It's kind of annoying," Trey said. His response, "You wanted to be a City Slicker."

9. A few years ago I went with Trey to his parent's house for a cookout. I consumed an entire Porter house steak. Afterwards I got extremely ill. Drex said, "Allergic to red meat huh? Don't you think that's some information you should share with someone, before you go and spend an hour and a half in their bathroom?"

10. While watching Go Fast for the first time, he stood up, saluted, raised his beer in the air, and said, "God Bless America."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

10 Elementary School Changes

1. Then: "You got cooties."                       Now: "Cheese touch!"

2. Then: Kids wanted to "Be like Mike."  Now: "No these are Air Jordan's. Whose Mike?"

3. Then: Nintendo                                     Now: PS3, Wii, XBox 360

4. Then: Sagging and pagers                     Now: Skinny Jeans and  iPhones

5. Then: School pizza was a square.         Now: School pizza is a triangle.

6. Then: Recess was close to 1 hour.        Now: Recess is barely twenty minutes.

7. Then: Slap bracelets                              Now: Silly bands

8. Then: Showbiz Pizza                            Now: Playtime Pizza

9. Then: Polaroid                                      Now: Digital

10. Then: Killer Bees                               Now: Swine Flu

Monday, February 14, 2011

10 Bands That Suck with Numbers

1. 311

2. Matchbox 20

3. Third Eye Blind

4. Eve 6

5. 4 Non Blondes

6. Three Doors Down

7. Seven Mary Three

8. 30 Seconds to Mars

9. 98 degrees

10. Sum 41

Sunday, February 13, 2011

10 Things I Learned in Church

1. There is no place to hide if you cut one.

2. The only way to get rid of an erection is to "Pray Hard."

3. We are all sinners.

4. Moses parted the sea.

5. If you talk during prayer you will go to hell.

6. If the Dallas Cowboys are playing, the sermon is usually cut in half.

7. I learned an entire Paula Abdul album during a lock in just to get close to a girl. I still like "Cold Hearted Snake."

8. Singing like Goofy makes my sister laugh.

9. Old people carry two things in their purses/pockets. Peppermints and change.

10. Dancing is the gateway to sex.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

10 Signs That You Will Not Get a Good Tip

1. The sound of a velcro wallet.

2. Teenage laughter.

3. "Could you find our server? We're ready to leave."

4. If you bring out the check before the food

5. If you here the customer digging for change

6. If a customer asks to speak to the manager

7. If a customer backs their car in, and asks to sit at the table closest to the door

8. If a customer asks, "Could you please turn the radio off so we can here the game?"

9. If you notice a table sneaking a nip off a bottle of whiskey that they brought from home. "I'll just have a Sprite. Diet if you've got it. I'm trying to keep my girlish figure."

10. If you approach the table and someone says, "What's up boss?"

Friday, February 11, 2011

10 Rap Names I Would Give My Brother

1. Porkchop

2. M.C. Warlord

3. Dr. Fubsy

4. Lil Bottle Cap

5. Grand Master Gilley

6. Lead Spitta

7. El Pollo Diablo

8. DJ Flow Fast

9. Big Noisy

10. Old Dirty Deacon

Thursday, February 10, 2011

10 Things that were Lost During the Snow Day

1. 9:55 p.m. Debit Card. Misplaced by Pizza D. "Call us tomorrow."

2. 9:57p.m. I lost my footing and hit the frozen snow.

3. 10:07 p.m. My footing again.

4. 10:09 p.m.  I lost my footing for the third time.

5. 10:10 p.m. I lost my footing along with my pride.

6. 10:15 p.m. Car keys

7. 10:16 p.m. One glove

8. 10:27 p.m. My toothbrush

9. 10:44p.m. My patience

10. 4:00 a.m. Slaughter

10 B's from the Big Bad Blizzard 2011

1. Bacon

2. Bananas

3. Bella

4. Bride's Bouncing Bosoms (Abby played Wii fit running.)

5. Big brother grouchiness on phone from Boulevard Bread.

6. Blue bowl of snow ice cream

7.  Blizzard Blog

8. Bess's Backpack

9. Blueberry Pancakes

10. Beer

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

10 Actors I Would Choose to Play My Brother

1. Philip Seymour Hoffman

2. Jack Black

3. Denver Pyle

4. Matthew Mcconaughey

5. Anthony Michael Hall

6. James Vanderbeek

7. Rainn Wilson

8. John C. Reilly

9. Jon Heder

10. Zach Galifianakis

10 Reasons why the Hillcrest Kroger sucks ass

1. Narrow checkout lines.

2. Narrow Aisles.

3. The batteries are extremely hard to find.

4. The soup bar has two types of bowls, and two types of lids. Each lid matches that specific bowl. The problem is they almost always have the lid from one brand , and the bowl from the other brand. They don't fit!

5. Even the nice clerks don't smile anymore.

6. The crackers and cookies are on the right side of the store.

7. If you buy an "Exotic" fruit they will put it in its own separate bag.

8. They automatically put your groceries in plastic bags.  No one says, "Would you like paper or plastic?"

9. The new layout is to confusing. If I see someone I know I usually try to ignore them, because if I   break concentration for one second I will forget something on my mental list. They must  know that the layout is all wrong because they passed out maps at the Grand Opening.

10. The clerks have personal conversations with each other. If you throw some witty banter into their conversation they look at you like you broke some sort of Kroger etiquette. This is likely the only eye contact you will have with the cashier.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

My 10 Best Qualities

1. I can eat a bowl of cereal in two and a half minutes.

2. I'm extremely loyal.

3. I am the most humble person I know.

4. I give great hugs.

5. I am an excellent gift giver.

6. I am gracious in the face of defeat. That is unless I lose.

7. I make beautiful babies.

8. I can jump really high.

9. I'm a great wing man.

10. I can shoot a Watermelon seed at least 15 feet.

10 Scott Diffee Quotes

1. "We like shots and titties, and titties and shots."

2. " If you don't like Go Fast you're a pussy."

3. "We're gonna dig a trench through Europe."

4. "Slow down son."

5. "You know why I bought this hat? Because the bitch acted like I couldn't afford it."

6.  "I ain't got no tempo switch. Keep up mother fucker."

7. "Call up Magic 105. Tell 'em you don't want the old shit, you don't want the new shit, you just want the good shit. That's Go Fast."

8. "You know why the good lord made it rain today? So we don't burn this mother fucker down!"

9.  "You're right, they should be hanging Scott Diffee posters on their walls."

10. "Drop that kitten, Clyde!"

Monday, February 7, 2011

10 Apologies

1. Walter Tucker, I'm sorry for taking your can opener.

2. Walter I'm sorry for selling your can opener online.

3. Abby, I'm sorry for using the last of the creamer.

4. To my brother, I'm sorry for stealing the baby title away from you.

5. To King Saver, I'm sorry for stealing the chalk candy from your Allen, TX location.

6. To Lindsey, I'm sorry for telling you, "Ranch dressing in a trash can with no liner is no big deal."

7. To Bill, I'm sorry for eating one of your cajun flavored potato chips, and putting them back like nothing happened.

8. To my wife, I'm sorry that I cannot commit to the laundry hamper.

9. To Lauren and Henry, I'm sorry for parking in your parking place.

10. To mom, I'm sorry I smoked in your car in 1997.

10 Things I did on Superbowl Sunday

1. Took over the number one spot on Wii fit juggling.

2. Went to Park Plaza with Craig O'neill so he could get some new dress shoes (Air Jordan's).

3. Watched Craig O'neill announce to the entire Champ's shoe store, "This 60 year old man is about to dance to Michael Jackson."

4. I then watched Craig O'neill dance to Michael Jackson.

5. Soaked in a warm bath.

6. Had a spa party with my family.

7. Yelled at my kids for no reason.

8. Licked the icing off of three Kroger cookies.

9. Watched Puppy Bowl 7.

10. Ate cucumber sandwiches for the first time. Delicious.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

10 Reasons To Quit Your Job

1. If your boss is younger than you.

2. If you receive a promotion that involves more responsibility and less/same pay.

3. If you win the lottery.

4. If you hate your co-workers.

5. If you cannot find your uniform.

6. If your job requires a uniform.

7. If you work at an establishment that has "Casual Friday."

8. If you are told to look busy, but you'd rather be getting' busy.

9. If you are consistently assigned the tough projects.

10. If you are the next American Idol.

10 Things I Miss/Don't Miss About the 90's #1

1. Pagers

2. Stoner Humor

3. Garth Brooks

4. Hyper Color

5. Life Call ("I've fallen and I can't get up.")

6. Spandex Shorts

7. Fresh Prince

8. Wide Leg Raver Jeans

9. Grunge

10. Girl Power

Saturday, February 5, 2011

10 Things my Brother Loves

1. Chinese food

2. Mexican food

3. Cliff Lee

4. All original Saturns

5. Clever Profanity

6. Big Beards and small eyewear, or Small Beards and Large eyewear.

7. Bottle Rocket Wars

8. Religious Memorabilia

9. His Wife

10. Tight, Purple Pants

10 Things Mason Kerby says/said

1. "I drank more beers in one week than you guys have in your whole lives, back when I was your age."

2. When  he was first married to my Mother he drove race cars. One night he had a near fatal accident in which he broke quite a few bones. My mom came running towards the wreckage, screaming at the top of her lungs. His response, "Would somebody please tell my wife to shut up."

3. "And another thing, get this shit out of my yard!"

4. "How you paling do?"

5. Whenever his ping pong opponent hits the net during game play, he says, "Netanyahu."

6. " Yes sir Arafat."

7. "I was born to early for this shit."

8. " No matter what you do time passes."

9. "How you doing? I mean that. How you really doing?"

10. "What do you call an Indiana father? Hoosier Daddy."

Friday, February 4, 2011

10 things You Should Never Bring To a Bachelor Party

1. Wife

2. Your Child

3. Morals

4. Checkbook

5. Your Mom

6. Maximum Burt

7. The Bride to be

8. Trivial Pursuit (90's version)

9. Ice cream Toppings

10. Your Pride

10 Meaningless Quotes I've Collected

1. "It's like a Catch Twenty Twenty."

2. "I ain't doing shit for shit."

3. "Either shit or cut bait."

4. "Whatever Dude!"

5. "Girl, he gonna shine your pearl."

6. "May as well. My life's going down the crapper anyway."

7. " Get your dick skinners on it."

8. "I thought you were dead."

9. " Turns out, I'm the asshole."

10. "Stupid Poopid"

Thursday, February 3, 2011

10 Intoxicating Moments with My Brother

1.  The night after The Gourds show, instead of driving to Hillcrest we walked to my apartment.  We thought we were being responsible, so we called his wife at 3 AM.  It was Easter Sunday.

2.  The night we played a show at the Parlor, I wore Trey Baker's cowboy hat and tried to introduce myself to my reflection.

3.  We got pulled over in Gun Barrel, TX and I had to walk the line and passed only to immediately run a red light.

4.  The night we got drunk and flipped over my future wife's coffee table in a wrestling match that I won.  Ask Billy and M.C., they were there.

5.  On the night of another Gourd's show. I punched my brother in the balls when I was dropped off.

6.  The New Year's Eve when our mother had a sip of champagne and said, "I love that pegasus horse."

7.  One night at the Living Room we were talking shit and yelling, "I'm John Kushmal."

8.  At my wedding reception standing on chairs, drinking whiskey, and saying, "Is that sweet tea?"

9.  The night we had a party and a young girl said, "I can do anything as well as a man."  Shortly after she walked face first into a closed storm door, mistaking it for being open.

10.  One night we got drunk at Vino's we came home and said, "We only had seven beers."  His wife informed us that you can't say "I only had said amount of beers, unless the following number is no more than two."

10 Band Names by Bella (6yrs.)

1. Sawtooth

2. White Wolf

3. Crystal Skull

4. Ninety-nine Days of Death

5. Monsterblood

6. Rock 'n' roll Heaven

7. Monster Fangs

8. River of Glass

9.  The Tardy Youth

10. Morning Announcement

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

10 Vivid School Memories

1. In 1st grade our class pet Slicky escaped after biting Jeremy Brazell on the hand.

2. In second grade, I had to make up a years worth of work in just two weeks.

3. In 3rd grade Mrs. Spicer made Warm fuzzy's ( kush balls made of yarn) as a reward for hard work. One day Robbie Bethke farted during a math lesson. Jason Spurgin leaned over and whispered, "Talk about a warm fuzzy."

4. Being told to, "Tell the story with feeling."  I responded emphatically, "Once upon a tiiiiiime."

5. Saying "Rero Rerree" to Sherree Matinee in an Astro the dog voice, which she mistook for "Will you go with me?"

6. In 5th grade I licked  my chapped lips while Mrs. Sutton was reprimanding the class. She mistook this for a smile and made me put a check next to my name on the chalkboard. I probably put about 5 or 6 extra, smart ass check marks next to my name. She was pissed.

7. I accidentally wet my pants in Kindergarten, and had to wear a pair of Ocean Pacific sweatpants home. When I got home, my brother said, "O.P." Then I said, "No that's just water."

8. I misspelled the word bulldozer, "bulldozier" during the school spelling bee. The word giver had a speech impediment.

9. In sixth grade I drank a large container of orange juice after Chris Luce said, "My brother spiked that!" "I know", I said. I had no idea what the word spiked meant.

10. In 5th grade I had to stay in from recess for talking during a test. Angela Rust (who I had a huge crush on) walked past, and looked in the classroom. Matt Fredrickson, who also had to stay in for talking, shouted, "Hey baby!" Then he pulled my pants down, and hid behind a desk. Angela turned red, and disappeared.  

My 10 Favorite Punchlines

1. That's when I messed up, and wished for this big orange for a head.

2. It's driving me nuts!

3. He had a hat!

4. Small world.

5. Hello Darlin'.

6. I'm not Willie Nelson.

7. That wouldn't make any sense.

8. Huh? A talking dog.

9. The stakes are too high.

10. I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

10 Things That Piss My Brother Off

1.  When he is in a bad mood and everyone else is happy.

2.  When the telephone rings.

3.  Housework

4.  People

5.  Working

6.  Driving

7.  His Mother-in-Law

8.  When people don't share food.

9.  Not making it to a movie 15 minutes before showtime.

10.  Everyone

10 People on My Shit List (some have been forgiven)

1.  My kid because she shits and I clean it up.

2.  The producers of the Dukes of Hazzard for replacing Bo and Luke with Coy and Vance for one season.

3.  My sister for voting me off the island.

4.  Walter Tucker for claiming not to know who Jessica Simpson was.  "Is that the daughter on the Simpsons?"

5.  The lady who stunk up the restaurant and left Glade Plug In coupons as a tip.

6.  Craig O'Neill for offering to babysit, only to back out and go to the Symphony.

7.  Jane Hankins for making Craig O'Neill attend the Symphony.

8.  Joe Hartsell who said Lost in Translation was a waste of time.

9.  My wife for eavesdropping and discovering her birthday presents.

10.  Lindsey for cutting in front of me to get to the register.