10 Whites In Arkansas

1. White Water Tavern

2. White Hall

3. Matt White

4. Dillard's White Sale

5. White Chocolate Oreo's

6. White Trash

7. White River

8. White County

9. White River Monster

10. White water rapids at Wild River Country

10 Sporty Thoughts

1. Why are first, second, and third called bases, but Home base is called Home plate? You don't eat off of it.

2. How come when someone hits a ball off of the foul pole it's a fair ball? Shouldn't it be called a fair pole?

3. A strike is when you swing at a ball and miss. A ball is when you don't swing, and the ball is nowhere close to Home plate. Why is the term ball used, and why do you need four of them?

4. Why is baseball the only sport where the coach dresses like the players?

5. Why can't a fan throw a Homerun ball back onto the field for the home team to try and get the batter out before he reaches home plate? Make him earn that shit.

6. I don't understand why they throw guys out for fighting. I mean, if a pitcher and a batter want to go at it, let them fight , and then eject the instigator.

7. I wish that the goalposts in football had motorized wheels that moved back and forth. One lucky fan could win an opportunity to be in control of moving the goalpost back and forth while the other team is trying to kick a field goal.

8. The no hands rule in soccer should be modified. All players can use their hands except for the goalie. However, a goal can only be scored with the feet, and no one can come into the 18 yard box.

9. I'm not sure if there is still a trampoline basketball league. This sport could be modified by putting a pool filled with crocodiles in the middle of the playing area.

10. I still don't understand why they call it football when only two guys use their feet.

10 Bad Actors

1. Keanu Reaves

2. Paul Walker

3. Jamie Kennedy

4. Pauly Shore

5. Rob Schneider

6. John Wayne (Yes. John Wayne)

7. Tyrese

8. Brendan Fraser

9. Shaq

10. Chuck Norris

10 Marts

1. Kmart

2. Walmart

3. E-Z Mart

4. Quicke Mart

5. Stein Mart

6. Petsmart

7. Liquor Mart

8. Art Mart

9. Fish Mart

10. Car Mart

10 Deceased Childhood Pets

1. Sugar (Accidentally Poisoned)

2. Sniffles (?)

3. Sunny (Froze to death)

4. Muffin (Old age)

5. Shelly (Car)

6. Kelly (Backed over by car)

7. Goldie (Overfed)

8. D O G (Car wreck)

9. Gerbel I (Sniffles)

10. Snoop (Almost 17 and won't be around much longer)

10 People who have Inspired Me

1. Apollo Creed

2. Goose (Top Gun)

3. Paul Harrison

4. Terry Fox

5. Hacksaw Jim Duggan      

6. Mr. T

7. Ada Joan Brimer

8. Jim Ingram

9. Marshall Watkins

10. Obi wan

10 Things That I Thoroughly Enjoy

1. The ever elusive Peach Icee.

2. David Juke's jokes.

3. Sunday mornings with my girls.

4. Bicycle stunts with my brother.

5. Small town cafes.

6. Cake walks

7. Crane machines

8. Summer vacations with Frankie and T.R.

9. Peanut Brittle delivered by Grandpa Kerby

10. Camping with my family.

10 Celebrities that Share My Birthday

1. Dennis Rodman

2. Stevie Wonder

3. Steven Colbert

4. Harvey Keitel

5. Bea Arthur

6. Richie Valens

7. Joe Louis

8. Arthur Sullivan

9. Samantha Morton

10. Darius Rucker

10 Meanings That Change When You Drop The Blaster

1. Ghetto Blaster


2. Batter Blaster


3. Star Wars Rebel Trooper Blaster


4. Yamaha Blaster


5. Portable Sand Blaster


6. Plaster Blaster


7. Barrel Blaster


8. Beer Blaster


9. Sonic Blaster


10. The Original Finger Blaster

10 Little Rock/Fort Worth Spring Break Zoo Comparisons

1. The Little Rock Zoo has a much more vast snake population.

2. The Fort Worth Zoo has a kids play area. The Little Rock Zoo has a carousel, and the operator is usually out to lunch.

3. The bird feeding areas at each zoo are about equal. However, the Lorikeets at the Little Rock Zoo are much more polite.

4. Fort Worth has Grandy's, Pizza Hut, Dickey's, and fresh salads. The Little Rock Zoo has one restaurant.

5. The train operator at the Fort Worth Zoo is awake.

6. The Fort Worth Zoo has a great penguin exhibit.

7. Children 2 and under are free at the Fort Worth Zoo.

8. There are many places to view under water animals at the Fort Worth Zoo.

9. The Little Rock Zoo has a birds of prey exhibit, and The Big Cats have played there.

10. The Fort Worth Zoo has baby animals with their moms. The Little Rock Zoo puts their baby animals in a nursery because their moms will kill them.

10 Spring Break Realizations

1.The older I get, the older my parents get.

2. I should have brought my own pillows.

3. Someday I will wear bright, white, gigantic Reebok tennis shoes.

4. My early years were not very well documented through photograph.

5. I love Little Rock.

6. My bracket is totally f***ed.

7. I think I'm starting to develop a love for roosters.

8. Our last family dog isn't going to be around much longer.

9. I'm ready to retire.

10. My sister is in the top 3 of the funnest people of all time.

10 Spring Break Activities/Discoveries in Mckinney, Texas

1. Apple Fritter Bites

2. The house from Benji

3. The alley from the opening scenes of Benji

4. My bracket is totally f****ed.

5. Sister asleep on the couch

6. Amelia is the one who keeps refilling the dog bowl.

7. I need sleep.

8. The Court House is gone. I don't know where it is, but it's gone.

9. There are tons of pictures of baby Kevin.

10.My parents have an addiction to rooster memorabilia.

10 Signs That You're Dealing with a Texan

1. If they say, "Man I hate this getting assessed, and property tax process just to get my tags renewed. In Texas you can just go get your car inspected, and they give you a new tag. Simple."

2. If you see someone weaving through the crowd at a Fugazi show saying, "Watch the beer, man. Watch the beer."

3. If they argue that Texas is bigger than Alaska. "I think they measured it wrong. There is no way Alaska is bigger. Besides it's not really part of the United States. Maybe it is bigger, but it's melting. It won't be bigger than Texas forever. Global Warming and sh*t.

4. If they say, "I don't know why you Arkansans hate us. We have no problem with you. Matter of fact, we don't even think about ya'll."

5. If you hear the comment, "The crappiest Mexican restaurant in Texas is still better than the best one in Arkansas."

6. If they have a tattoo of the state of Texas, A belt buckle with the seal of Texas, and a Remember the Alamo T-shirt on at the same time.

7. If someone has lived in Arkansas longer than they lived in Texas, but they still say, "Oh, I'm not from here."

8. You are at a bar, and someone says, "I been places where you can get Tecate in a can for 50 cents. Four dollars? You wanna kiss me first next time?"

9. If you hear, "How in the hell are you gonna have an Arkansan play a man from Tennessee in a movie about a Texas Treasure? I mean Billy Bob Thornton is cool and all, but he ain't Texan. Come to think of it neither is Davey Crockett, but at least he did some shit to help."

10. Finally, if someone says, "I'm not conceited, I'm just better than you."

10 Things My Brother Forgot

1. Bella

2. About Dre

3. He was the first to kick it old school in a new school building.

4. Lyrics

5. People take comfort in his beard.

6. He forgot to lock the gate.

7. To listen to his heart, and not his brother at Oaklawn.

8. A dog named Sheena

9. Guitar Licks

10. A phone call

10 Travis's

1. Travis Hill

2. Travis Mcelroy

3. Travis Kerby

4. Randy Travis

5. Travis Tritt

6. William Barrett Travis

7. Travis Barker

8. Merle Travis

9. Travis Pastrana

10. Travis Walton

10 Things I Wanted to be When I Was A Kid

1. Race car driver

2. Pilot

3. Professional Wrestler

4. Eric Estrada

5. Richie Valens

6. Magic Johnson

7. Indian

8. Jedi

9. Rocky

10. Ninja

My 10 Greatest Weaknesses

1. I have a big heart.

2. Abby's Humor

3. gummy candy

4. Pretty Babies

5. Ugly Babies

6. I'm thin skinned

7. Apple fritters

8. Beard Envy

9. Mexican Belt Buckles

10. Crime Shows

10 Things to do on Sunday

1. Watch the Simpsons

2. Wash the car.

3. Laundry

4. Yard work

5. Go to the crappy Kroger.

6. Take a nap.

7. Get donuts

8. Carb load

9. Clean house

10. Reflect on your bad life choices.

10 Things I Need to Get Off My Conscience

1. In second grade someone ate David Smith's Twix bar. Ms. Smith, no relation to David, would not let anyone go to recess until the culprit came forward. After 15 minutes I said, "I don't want everyone to suffer. It was me, Ms. Smith. I ate the candy bar."         "I appreciate your honesty. Choose one friend, and you two go play. As for the rest of you, I am disappointed. How could you let one of your classmates take the blame for something he did not do?"   Anyway, I really did eat the Twix, but that's not why I feel bad. I didn't pick David to go outside and play.

2. I distracted the clerk at George's convenience store in Neveda, Texas, while Sergio filled his pockets with candy. That's why I left an extra seventy cents for my sandwich. I still owe you about $1.22 before interest.

3. I told Robert's mom, "I think it's great that you except your son, even though you'll never have grandchildren."  I swear I thought she knew.

4. Kevin, remember when I turned on the Margarita machine before your 30th birthday because I was curious? I wasn't curious. I was thirsty.

5. This one is tough, because my mother took up for me. My friends and I drank a little bit and did donuts in the yard at the old house. There were no men on four wheeler's cutting across the property. Dad, you were correct to call "Bullshit" on this one. Sorry mom, but I think you knew the truth.

6. Brookelyn, Doug and I took a trip to Denton to see some bands. Brookelyn you did something that really pissed me off. When you asked me if I was mad, I said no. When you walked away, I said, "Of course I'm mad. You don't mess around with alcohol."   I don't remember exactly why I was upset with you, but I'm sorry I didn't let you know.

7. Ms. K when I was in 5th grade at Lovejoy, I told your son, "You're a jerk just like your mom."
I never really thought you were a jerk, but your son was. Turns out, he grew up to be one hell of an individual. You were one of my top three all time favorite teachers. I love you, and I miss you.

8. Tony, you were an asshole, and you treated girls like shit. You made me hang out with you. I never really liked you, and I told everyone to stay away from you. You are a Parasite.

9. I'm not going to say the name of the establishment, but I popped your car tire. It was 6 a.m., I wasn't paying attention, and I hit the curb while coming around a  curve right past Craftco. Then I aired the tire up and brought the car back.

10. We will just say this next place is somewhere in Texas. I heard you using racial slurs while describing fireworks to your patrons. I'm not saying I did it, but I'm not surprised that three teenagers popped the lock on your shitty business, and took thousands of dollars worth of fireworks from inside. You racist asshole.

10 Ways I've seen Someone Try to Get Around Their Cars Court Ordered Breathalyzer

1. Blow up a bag full of balloons, while you are sober.

2. Leave your car running while you go to the bar for a few cocktails.

3. Call your sixteen year old nephew to come and blow into the machine, so that you can drive home.

4. Carry an air tank in your passenger side floor board.

5. Suck on a penny in an attempt to some how counteract the alcohol.

6. Blow cigarette smoke into the mouthpiece to try to trick the machine.

7. Swish mouthwash for thirty seconds and then blow.

8. Put a bicycle in the back of your car, and ride the two wheeler home when you get to drunk to drive. However, this only works if you are sober enough to operate the bike.

9. Have someone at the local bar blow into the breathalyzer. You may have better luck sobering up, before you find someone else in the bar that is sober.

10. Eat a bunch of fruit pies in order to once again counteract the alcohol.

My Morning Routine

1. Oatmeal and Coffee

2. Wii Fit weigh in

3. Vitamins

4. Crossword Puzzle

5. Cuddle with Amelia

6. Watch Little Bear

7. Make breakfast and lunches for the kids

8. Brush teeth and say, "It's 7:30. How did it get to be that late already?"

9. Freak out and blame someone else because I'm late for work again.

10. Leave the house for work, but realize I forgot something and go back in the house. And... repeat

10 Things Learned at Bethany Drive Preschool

1. While in timeout, Thomas Valverde taught me how to eat paper out of a spider web.

2. I learned that it is unpleasant when your mother sends a clown with braces to surprise you on your birthday.

3. If I peed on my nap mat, the teacher would rock me to sleep.

4. One of the teachers was probably about 85. She was full of demons. She forced me to eat spaghetti, by shoving it down my throat. So, she learned that if you force a child to eat, you will wind up with a face full of vomit.

5. I learned all the words to Highway to Hell, while riding to school in my oldest brother's car.

6. Even if you dip oreos into glue, it still does not taste like milk.

7. Boogers are not a delicacy, J.P.

8. Jesus loves me. This I know.

9. Tang has no nutritional value.

10. Daniel Browning is a cry baby.

10 More Memories from the Old Homestead

1. I knew my birth was unplanned when my parents suggested I be an Indian Chief for Halloween. The costume consisted of an old bathroom towel, water colors, and a head dress worn ten years earlier by one of my siblings.

2. We never had matching den furniture.

3. My mom use to say, "Do you want hamburgers or pizza tonight? Oh wait, the Schwann's man came. You can have hamburgers, pizza, or a chicken patty."

4. My brother and I were swimming one hot afternoon. Kevin was hopping up and down from the bottom of the pool to the top of the water. Each time he would come up he would get a little bit closer to me. This was a fun way for him to try to scare me. "Mom! Mom! A monster. He's scary." The next thing we knew my mom, in full work attire, had jumped into the pool, and was pulling my brother out by his hair. Kevin said, Mom! What are you doing!?"  At that point she realized we were playing.   "Oh I thought you said, Mom! Mom! It's Kevin. He's drowning."

5. One October Kevin ate all of my Halloween candy. I noticed the wrappers on the top bunk. When I confronted him, he denied it. "Why are there candy wrappers on the top bunk?"
     "Bad dog! I better pull that rope ladder up next time."

6. We had a sweet station wagon that looked like a Country time Lemonade can.

7. My aunt who lived across the street, was growing stuff in a garden in our yard. She kind of gave up, and let the garden grow out of control with weeds. Kevin went into the weedy jungle to retrieve a soccer ball. After what seemed like 20 minutes, he came out with a giant watermelon. He then cracked it over his knee and ate the entire thing. We never found the soccer ball.

8. My oldest brother Todd liked to take the rest of us down to the bottom of the pool. He would hold one of us down there until he decided it was time for another breath at the top of the water. I'm not sure who gave him the expertise to decide when my tiny lungs were ready for another breath. On the other hand I am still here.

9. My sister Randi, and my oldest brother Todd used to steal Kevin's swim suit, and hang it on the tree in the front yard. Whenever he finally worked up the courage to make the far trek around the front of the house, they would yell, "Nature boy! Nature boy!"

10. Duct Tape can fix anything, including Lazy boys, ceiling fans, electrical cords, and bunny ears.

10 Things Wrong with My Car and Why You Should Buy It

1. The back brakes are going out.

2. In three years, you will be able to get an antique license plate for it.

3. If you take off just one more of the plastic hubcaps, you could have matching black rims.

4. It has a Back The Blue sticker, so you won't have to worry about being pulled over.

5. The radiator is leaking water.

6. It is leaking power steering fluid.

7. If you buy this one of a kind, all original 1994 Toyota Corolla, you would be saving the lives of my two young children.

8. Do you really want me driving this thing on your streets?

9. I will buy a bicycle with the money you give me for this sentimental treasure. Whenever you see me riding my bike down the street you will know that you did a small part to save the environment.

10. If you purchase my car, I will be forever grateful. I will also mention your name in all of my future blogs.

Marathon Party Twenty-Eleven

1. A truck pulled out of the Crestwood Manor Apartments on to North Lookout, where runners had come by moments earlier. A race traffic controller waved at the truck to stop. As he approached the vehicle, the driver took off barreling past the checkpoint.  "Did anyone get his license plate? I clearly was yelling at him to stop. Then he locked his doors, and took off."

2. A soldier decked out in full army gear came walking by. I said, "It must be hard to run in all that heavy gear."   Slaughter's response, "These colors don't run."

3. My wife said, "It's more than a t-shirt, you get a medal too."

4. There has been a new born at the marathon party every year. Kelley brought her sweet baby Gus, allowing us to once again say, "Babies first marathon!"

5. Bella made a sign that read, "You can do it. Run, Run, Run, or Walk."

6. At least one person said, "I'm running it next year."

7. Kevin's neighbor came by and said, I'm surprised you're not running Kevin."
     "I don't run for competition. I'm just running to stay alive long enough to see my grandkids."

8. Tracy Dean learned how to play Uno Moo.

9. I tried the corn dip. I still hate the vegetable, and the band.

10. There were no references to Terry Fox this year, and there were more kids than adults at the party.

10 Little Secrets

1. John Schafer adores Enya.

2. If you are a single 20 something male, my wife thinks you're gay.

3. I've watched someone get botox at the Cafe.

4. Slaughter likes Brooks and Dunn.

5. Henry Murphy loves The Dixie Chicks.

6. I was baptized at camp, and I peed in the water.

7. Abby does not like Tom Petty, but she has been to a Dave Matthews concert.

8. I hate the word nylon.

9. The lady at Sims Barbeque knows John McAteer by name.

10. John Kushmaul is the coolest mofo in this town.

10 Things to Know Before You Work with Children

1. No matter how cool you are, they'll never think you're cool.

2. Do not expect them to act like anything but what they are.

3. If you constantly repeat yourself, you are not crazy. Well you may be crazy, but this is not the reason for your insanity.

4. Never say what you are truly thinking. Instead, say something like, "Remember to use your problem solving skills."

5. Do not call your mom to tell her about an incident you had with a child being disrespectful. After you tell her the entire story, she'll say something like, "Hahaha. Sounds like someone else I know. Now you know what you put all those teachers through."

6. Cafeteria food still sucks, but kids still love it. Except for the Macho Nachos. I love the brown cheese sauce.

7. Make sure you listen to what each child has to say. You are never to old to learn.

8. Never tell a parent, "I have 23 other children. I don't have time to stop every time your child doesn't understand something." I assure you, that parent doesn't care about those other 23 children.

9. Do not name call. Ex: "You are acting like a Hooligan." They don't need to hear that shit. Only use positive encouragement please.

10. All the jokes that you made up as a kid were around long before you. Sorry.

10 Things That Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

1. Midtown

2. Jagerbombs

3. Taco Bell

4. Egg Sandwich

5. Night Sledding

6. Drunk Dialing

7. The Pass Out Game

8. Attempting a backflip by running up a wall at Ford Middle School.

9. Jumping off the train bridge into Lake Lavon. Man made lakes have trees.

10. Going to a rodeo and heckling the riders.

10 Holiday Traditions

1. We always throw carrots on the roof for the Reindeer.

2. The first kid to wake up, usually Kevin, would bang a metal pot with a wooden spoon, and wake up the rest of the family. Then we open presents.

3. You must go to the mailbox, wearing only the clothes you received as gifts.

4. If you say, "Christmas Eve's Gift," to another family member first, they must give you a gift to open on Christmas Eve night.

5. We take turns opening presents. Each person must hold up what they got, and have their picture taken with the giver of the gift.

6. Everyone must be in the room until all presents have been opened.

7. A pickle ornament is hidden on the tree. The first adult to find the ornament receives $20.

8. On Christmas Eve, my sister gives us each a gift to hold while she reads a story. Every time she says, "the" or "and," you must past the gift to your left. At the end of the story you open your gift.

9. No playing with any gifts, until all gifts have been opened.

10. Here is a new tradition to be voted upon. I say we go through all of dad's DVD's, and find the one's that are still in the shrink wrap. I'm sure we gave him most of these movies over the years. Then let's divide them up, wrap them, and give them to him for Christmas this year. Repeat as necessary.

10 Lame Compliments I've Used to get My Wife in the Mood

1. "You are an excellent organizer."

2. "You have great spacial awareness."

3. "You are so amazing. I'd like you even if we weren't married."

4. "Why don't you put it on the weather channel and hit the mute button. You are good at changing channels in the dark."

5. "We both like a lot of different things, but there's one thing I like, and that's you. Now can we do the one thing we both like?"

6. "I got a bottle of Vodka, and a massage just for you. This place looks spectacular. Good job."

7. "I noticed you got the high score on Wii fit Penguin Slide. How about you and I slide under these covers, so I can score."

8. "I got a cheese tray."

9. "You could totally be in a rap video."

10. "You have beautiful lips. Oh, and I like your style."

10 Marathon Porch Party Quotes from Past Atendees

1. "Let's get this done today ladies!"

2. "You can walk the marathon? What time did you have to start? Let's here it for walkers!"

3. "Almost to the downhill!"

4. "Silver fox!"

5. "Run like you stole something!"

6. "Hell I could go 26.2 miles in a wheelchair. Your legs wouldn't get tired. Shit would be easy. He's kind of a cheater."

7. "Pick up the pace. Does that say Relay or Relax?!

8. "Babies first marathon!"

9. "Little Terry Foxx, walking in his socks."

10. "I could totally do this. I'm running it next year."