10 Company Ad Slogans

1. "We'll leave the light on for you."

2. "We'll pick you up."

3. "Taste the rainbow."

4. "Follow my nose."

5. "What can brown do for you?"

6. "Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

7. "Reach out and touch someone."

8. "Sometimes you feel like a nut."

9. "Head for the mountains."

10. "Dig 'em!"

10 Things That are "Dirty"

1. Dancing

2. Deeds

3. Sean

4. Zach

5. Sanchez

6. Jobs

7. Jokes

8. Truth

9. Dozen

10. Martini

My Interstate Soundtrack For This Short AR to TX Trip

1. Queens of the Stone Age

2. Brother Andy and His Big Damn Mouth

3. Dirt Bag

4. Aloe Blacc

5. Loretta Lynn

6. My Morning Jacket

7. Slobberbone

8. Archers of Loaf

9. Roots

10. Centro-matic

Christmas Gifts That People Went Crazy for in the 1990's

1. Furby

2. Tickle me Elmo

3. Beanie Babies

4. Pokemon

5. TMNT Action Figures

6. Pogs

7. Nintendo Gameboy

8. Lazer Tag

9. Starter Jackets

10. Reebok Pumps

10 Names for Where You Do Your Business

1. Head

2. Loo

3. Commode

4. Crapper

5. John

6. Potty

7. Toilet

8. Throne

9. Thunderbox

10. Oval Office

10 Unusual Combinations

1. Prostitute + Orphanage = Whorphanage

2. Bank Robber + Church = Church of Heist

3. Seizure + Salad = Seizure Salad

4. Exam + Eye Wear = Testicles

5. Desert Animal + Misteltoe = Cameltoe

6. Cross Dresser + Postal Worker = Femail Man

7. Epileptic + Chef = Shake and Bake

8. Feminine Products + Funyons = Tampyons

9. Old Spice + Molasses = Oldasses

10. Monistat + Stationary = Monestary

10 Diff'rent Strokes Guest Appearances

1. Mahammad Ali

2. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

3. Mr. T

4. Janet Jackson

5. Nancy Reagan

6. Andrew Dice Clay

7. David Hasselhoff

8. Forest Whitaker

9. Ed "Too Tall" Jones

10. Robin Givens

10 Ways to Get Canned

1. No call. No show.

2. Always get sick on Monday

3. Complain about your job on Facebook

4. Get drunk on your lunch break

5. Sleep on the clock

6. Take an extra long lunch everyday

7. Every time your boss asks you to do something say, "That's not part of my job description."

8. Borrow stuff from your co workers, and sell it on Ebay.

9. Post inappropriate photos of yourself online.

10. Drunk dial your boss. 

10 Fads of the Last Decade

1. Texting

2. Flash Mobs

3. Sudoku

4. Social Networks

5. Bluetooth

6. Crocs

7. Uggs

8. Texas Hold'em Poker

9. Emo

10. DVR/Tivo

10 Butlers/Housekeepers

1. Mr. Belvedere

2. Waylon Smithers (The Simpsons)

3. Geoffrey Butler (Fresh Prince)

4. Florence (The Jeffersons)

5. Benson Dubois (Benson)

6. Tony Micelli (Who's the Boss)

7. Nell Harper (Gimme a Break)

8. Alice (The Brady Bunch)

9. Rosy (The Jetsons)

10. Mrs. Garrett (Diff'rent Strokes)

10 Most Recognizable Programs in College Football

1. Texas Longhorns

2. Ohio State Buckeyes

3. Florida Gators

4. Georgia Bulldogs

5. Alabama Crimson Tide

6. LSU Tigers

7. Penn State Nittany Lions

8. Michigan Wolverines

9. Notre Dame Fighting Irish

10. USC/Oklahoma

Notice Kansas State is not on the list. I guess they are not the most recognizable team behind Notre Dame.

10 Quotes from Lizard Lick Towing

1. "You have to love him because it's illegal to kill him."

2. "Do I look as good as my word now?"

3. "We just kicked a real fresh turd on a real hot day."

4. "I was more happy to see her than a blind dog in a meat house."

5. "You'd rather get in a knife fight in a phone booth with Freddy Kruger than tangle with me."

6. "The last thing I need is to mess with some backwoods hillbilly who's gonna hand me my tailbone and tell me how to cook it."

7. "She's madder than a wet hen at an omelet scramble."

8. "I know you're all roostered up, but I ain't feeling your cock-a-doodle-do."

9. "A lot of times I been fishin' bo, but I ain't never felt like the bait."

10. "He had more rolls than a New York bakery."

10 Streets South of Markham in Order from East to West without Looking

1. Johnson

2. Rosetta

3. Brown

4. Martin

5. Valmar

6. Valentine

7. Maple

8. Oak

9. Pine

10. Cedar

10 Topics to Avoid at the Dinner Table

1. Religion

2. Politics

3. Sex

4. Finances

5. Medical Conditions

6. Abortion

7. Bowel Movements

8. Work

9.  The Duggers

10. Genocide

10 Things "Golden"

1. Golden Girls

2. Golden Gate Bridge

3. Golden Globe

4. Golden Boy

5. Golden Apple

6. Golden Grahams

7. Golden State

8. Golden Retriever

9.Golden Corral

10. Golden Opportunity

10 Things That are "Amazing"

1. Grace

2. Spider-Man

3. Race

4. Cakes

5. Johnathan

6. Facts

7. Space

8. Discoveries

9. Deals

10. Cosmetics

Back 10x

1. Backbone

2. Backlash

3. Flashback

4. Backslider

5. Comeback

6. Backtrack

7. Back talk

8. Back up

9. Back in Black

10. Back Pack

10 Reasons I am Thankful for Kristin Goodwin

1. She was a Porker Beauty at Arkansas High.

2. She ends phone conversations like this, "Okay. Gotta go bye!"

3. She is the Godmother of my youngest child.

4. She will hit you with an F-5 talk tornado.

5. She always takes the noon lunch so that she can watch All My Children.

6. When All My Children went off the air she wrote a poem in its honor.

7. She can't stay in one place for very long.

8. She has an infectious laugh.

9. She loves you and she loves your mama.

10. She is a most loyal and honest friend.

10 Thanksgiving Day Memories

1. One year my brother grabbed the entire left over ham, reclined in my father's chair, set the ham on his chest and preceeded to cut thick slices and devour them.

2. Jello with ham chunks inside

3. Barry Sanders

4. John Madden

5. The annual family football game was once played on a frozen pond, using an orange football.

6. Roy Brimer never dropped a pass.

7. We always muted the Cowboys game so we could pray.

8. Karalyn's cornbread salad and banana pudding

9. Tofurkey

10. Dominoes and laughter

10 Overplayed Karaoke Songs

1. Joker

2. Imagine

3. Desperado

4. Margaritaville

5. Love Shack

6. I Will Survive

7. Don't Stop Believing

8. Sweet Caroline

9. Living On A Prayer

10. Friends in Low Places

10 Magicians

1. David Copperfield

2. Harry Houdini

3. Michael Casey

4. David Blane

5. Penn and Teller

6. Harry Blackstone Sr.

7. Criss Angel

8. P.C. Sorcar

9. Siegfried and Roy

10. Derrick Rose

10 Blind Musicians

1. Ray Charles

2. Ronnie Milsap

3. Stevie Wonder

4. John Kay

5. Andrea Bocelli

6. Jose Feliciano

7. Blind Willie Johnson

8. Art Tatum

9. Jeff Healy

10. Doc Watson

10 Words My Mom Commonly Mispronounces

1. Arkadelthia- Arkadelphia

2. Philadelthia- Philadelphia

3. A Some more- S'mores

4. She pronounces the L in Tortilla

5. Cool out- Chill out

6. Prostrate- Prostate

7. Sundee- Sunday

8. Illinoise- Illinois

9. Properdy- Property

10. Sinner- Center

10 Movie Cameos

1. Steve Martin- The Muppet Movie

2. Chuck Norris- Dodgeball

3. Lance Armstrong- Dodgeball

4. Mike Tyson- The Hangover

5. Billy Idol- Wedding Singer

6. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar- Airplane

7. Elvis Costello- Talladega Nights

8. Mos Def- Talladega Nights

9. Bill Murray- Zombieland

10. Keith Richards- Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End

10 Self Discovered Allergens

1. Beer

2. Niacin

3. Wheat

4. Red Meat

5. Grass

6. Polyester

7. Scented Soap

8. Body Oil

9. Baking Powder

10. Corn

10 Delicious Space Treats

1. Moon Pies

2. Star Crunch

3. Milky Way

4. Mars Bar

5. Starbursts

6. Cosmic Brownies

7.Satellite Wafers

8. Starlight Mints

9. Moon Rocks

10. Galaxy Bar

10 Perfectly Clean Words that Sound Dirty

1. Fuchsite

2. Diphthong

3. Backhoe

4. Fallacious

5. Cockchafer

6. Angina

7. Uranus

8. Masticate

9. Hoarfrost

10. Coccyx

10 Actors/Entertainers Turned Politician

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger

2. Ronald Reagan

3. Clint Eastwood

4. Al Franken

5. Jesse Ventura

6. Sonny Bono

7. Jerry Springer

8. Shirley Temple Black

9. Ben Jones

10. Jack Kelly

10 Church Marquees I've Seen Around Town

1. Fall Leaves 
    Jesus Doesn't

2. Behold! I come quickly.

3. Give Satan an Inch...
     He'll Be a Ruler

4. Kneel Before God And You Can Stand Before Anyone

5. Don't Join A Gym. Walk Daily With God.

6. Give God What's Right, Not What's Left.

7. Only God Can Take 2 Pieces Of Wood And Build A Bridge To Heaven.

8. No Jesus No God.   Know Jesus Know God.

9. Jesus: He's Coming
    Justice: It's Coming

10. To Be Almost Saved Is To Be Totally Lost

10 Teams I Played For As A Kid

1. Squeaky Clean Dustbusters

2. C&C Carpet Factory

3. Ewoks

4. Lobos

5. Orange Whalers

6. Blue Royals

7. CC Strikers

8. Purple Panthers

9. Eagles

10. Plano Mets

10 Palindromes

1. kayak

2. level

3. madam

4. tenet

5. mom

6. refer

7. reviver

8. ewe

9. boob

10. deed

10 Memorable Quotes From My Extended Family

1. "It takes a tough woman to swallow some snuff."

2. "Al Gore never went to college, but he did invent the internet."

3. "How tacky. They don't even have a Wal-Mart in this town."

4. "If I were to get a job, and save a hundred dollars, and give it to your mother."

5. "Ya'll want some of this stew? I made a big pot, but B.T. won't touch the stuff."

6. "Ain't nobody told you sideburns was out of style? Well they're crooked."

7. "I got pulled over for a DWU. Driving While Ugly."

8. "I love you. I really do. I love you."

9. "You know you're not adopted. If we had the choice we would not have picked you."

10. "Joy to the World  'cause we don't want her."

10 Things That Say, "I'm an American."

1. Fireworks

2. Profiling

3. SUVs

4. Eagles

5. Dockers

6. Toby Keith

7. Football

8. Blue Bell

9. Wal-mart

10. Fried Fair Food

10 Words That Are Onomatopoeic

1. Buzz

2. Bang

3. Kapow

4. Zing

5. Whoosh

6. Slurp

7. Crunch

8. Hiss

9. Swish

10. Boom

10 Rare Sights I've Never Observed

1. UFO

2. Ghost

3. Bigfoot

4. Tree Octopus

5. Albino Moose

6. El Chupacabra

7. Frill Shark

8. Albino Dolphin

9. Yunnan Snow Monkey

10. Mothman

10 Morning Crosswalk Comments

1. "Does that beard keep your face warm?"

2. "Hey. What's up my man?"

3. "I bet you're cold."

4. "Can we cross?"

5. "You're becoming a permanent fixture around here."

6. "Are you hungry? I have an extra pop tart."

7. "Bet you wish you had a bigger coat."

8. "I saw you."

9. "Those are some big shoes."

10. "How are those girls?"

10 Parts of the Body with Silent Letters

1. Knee

2. Wrist

3. Diaphragm

4. Palate

5. Large Intestine

6. Trachea

7. Fibrous Capsule

8. Calf

9. Knuckle

10. Wrinkle

10 Small Town Big Fun Weekend Experiences

1. Harvestfest

2. Chilli Cook off

3. Dunbar Gardens

4. Pumpkin Patch

5. Dixie Cafe

6. Farkle

7. Skipbo

8. Twisted Metal Action

9. Chicken Play Day

10. Panda Garden

10 Things I Say Exclusively On The Soccer Pitch

1. "El Centro!"

2. "Eighteen!"

3. "Man On!"

4. "It's a gentlemen's game."

5. "Settle it."

6. "Time."

7. "Just what you see."

8. "Can you give me 10 yards sir?"

9. "That was studs up."

10. "Have one!"

10 Things That No Longer Offend Me

1. Being asked to show my I.D.

2. Getting shown the finger by another driver after an apparent mistake on my part

3. Trash talking

4. Dead Rats

5. Honesty

6. Corrective Criticism

7. Beards

8. Cut Off Jean Shorts

9. PT Cruisers

10. Jem and the Holograms

10 Things That Are Disappearing/Have Disappeared In Schools

1. Home Economics

2. Recess

3. Typing

4. Creativity

5. Social Studies

6. Science

7. Reality

8. Time for food consumption

9. Fitness

10. Fine Arts

10 Commonly Mispronounced Words

    Correct                        Incorrect

1. Pattern                         Patterin

2. Unbelievable               Undeblievable

3.Across                          Acrossed

4. February                      Febyuary

5. Especially                    Exspecially

6. Nuclear                        Nucular

7. Sherbet                         Sherbert

8. Recur                            Reoccur

9. Probably                        Probly

10. Regardless                   Irregardless

10 Race Horse Names Composed By Bella Rose

1. Lucky

2. Snowflake

3. Thunder

4. Lightning Rose

5. Nelly

6. Petunia

7. Waffle

8. Dust Rocket

9. Road Runner

10. Rush 'n' Rock 'it'

10 Jokes Written By People I Know (Not sure if all were written by the people who told them, but they made them their own.)

1. What's full of farts, but doesn't stink?    Your brain.   (Bella Kerby)

2. Why don't midgets become butchers?    The stakes are to high.  (Kevin Kerby)

3. Did you here about the gay midget?    He came out of the cupboard.  (Kevin Kerby)

4. What does a guy with two left feet wear to the beach?  Flip-Flips.  (Kevin Kerby)

5. What does Tammy Wynette do when it's hot out?    Stands by her fan.  (Abby Kerby)

6. What is the one thing a  Snuggie wearer says most often?  Man my ass is cold.  (Mason Kerby)

7. What was the chicken doing on the internet?  Checking its Face-bawk!  (Sulac)


8. Knock knock.  Who's there?  Banana. Banana who?   Just kidding!  (Amelia Kerby 3yrs.)

9. David Jukes tells this joke about a guy with a big giant orange for a head. This may be my favorite joke of all time. If you see him ask him to tell it.  (David Juukes)

10. Ask me if I'm an apple?  Are you an apple?  No.  (Lee Pearson)

10 Jobs That No Longer Exist :(

1. Steve

2. Elevator Operator

3. Switchboard Operator

4. Milkman

5. Human Street Sweepers

6. Typewriter Repairman

7. Doorman

8. Paperboys on Bicycles

9. Bootleggers

10. Bathroom Attendants

10 Popular Responses To The Phrase "How are you?"

1. "Just fine. How are you?"

2. "Can't complain. No one would listen anyway."

3. "Just tired. That's all."

4. "Well I didn't see my name in the obits, so I'd say I'm having a good day."

5. "I'm straight."

6. "Peachy keen."

7. "Well I'm not in prison and I'm not dead. So I guess I'm doing pretty good."

8. "Just living the dream."

9. "I'm here."

10. "I'm making it."

10 Accessories Worn By The Woman Holding Todays Adopt A Pet Kitten on THV This Morning

1. A ring on every finger.

2. Hot pink nail polish

3. Hand Tattoo

4. Friendship Bracelet

5. Live Strong band

6. Watch

7. Band aid

8. Pink Frosty Lipstick

9. Multiple Earpiercings

10. Silly Bands

10 Men

1. X-Men

2. Men In Black

3. Just For Men

4. 3 Miles Of Men

5. Women

6. Men's Health

7. Men In Tights

8. Menopause

9. Men At Work

10. Madmen

10 Things That Make Me Question One's Character

1. When someone says, "I don't like excuses, but..." followed by an excuse.

2. When someone says, "I'm not racist, but.." followed by a racist statement.

3. "I don't like to talk about people, but..." followed by some juicy gossip.

4. When dog owners allow their canines to crap in your yard and cover it with leaves rather than pick it up.

5. If someone is a New York Yankees fan.

6.When someone says, "I've got a college degree. I don't have time for this sh*t. Can I get you some more water."

7. When people cut in line at the grocery store and say, "I'm in a real big hurry." 

8. Spandex

9. Facebook

10. When employees leave their dirty dishes in the sink in the Teacher's Lounge.

10 Nicknames In Honor Of My Texas Rangers

1. Odibe "Young Again" Mcdowell

2. Juan "Gone" zales

3. Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez

4. Harold "Piece of Sh*t" Baines

5. Kenny Rogers - "The Gambler"

6. Nolan Ryan - "The Ryan Express"

7. Ruben Sierra - "El Indio"

8. Julio "Down by the Schoolio" Franco

9. Pete Incavilia - "Inky"

10. Kevin Mench - "Shrek"

10 Reds

1. Redd Foxx

2. Red Skelton

3. Red Baron

4. Red Robin

5. Red Riding Hood

6. The Reds

7. Red Auerbach

8. Redman

9. Red River

10. Red Dawn

10 Wrestling Names I'm Giving To Folks I Know

1. Mikey Hayes-  Mikey "P.S." Hayes

2. Matt Floyd-  Matt "Pretty Boy" Floyd

3. Brian Youngblood-  Slaughterhouse

4. Andy Warr-  Andy "The Ultimate Warr-ior"

5. Dan Johnson-  "Thunder Dan Under"  (5and 6 are a tag team duo)

6. Matt White-  "White Lightning"

7. Leslie Vaughn-  Leslie Vaughn Erich

8. Dave Hoffpauir-  Dave "Rock n Roll Zoomhoff Power"

9. Jeremy Brasher-  Jeremy "The Brawler" Brasher

10. Henson Flye-  Henson "Super Flye Snuka"

10 Businesses Where Customer Service Is Not A Priority

1. Blockbuster    I'd never prayed for an establishment to shut down until I entered the Blockbuster Video Cantrell location. Anyone driven past there lately? They shut it down. Amen.

2. Cotham's   I know they supposedly have the best hamburger in the nation. However, I have no idea how their burgers taste because I was ignored for at least 30 minutes the two times I went  inside.

3. Paxton's Pizza    It is a pretty new establishment, and they usually only have one employee working at a time, but it should not take 35 minutes to make a salad and sandwich combo.

4. Purple Cow    My kids love this place. One Saturday my kids and I went for a quick lunch at the Cantrell location. I wound up eating a sharp piece of glass hiding in the bottom of my salad. The manager came out to offer his expertise.  "Maybe it was a piece of plastic or something." Then he offered me a free milkshake without an apology. We have been back, and have not had any more incidents. Surprising as it seems that guy no longer works there. Oh yeah. He did mention he had children as well. Poor little bastards.

5. Cheeburger Cheeburger   Boooooooo!

6. Juanita's    Pay your bands!

7. Cantina Laredo    Typical chain restaurant.  Moves in to a small town, serves you a quality first meal, and goes striaght downhill from there.

8. Riverdale Movies 10    I will always go to this Theater because it is close and cheap. If they could just get the film calibrated on the screen correctly that would be outstanding.

9. William and Sonoma    I went in there to find a couple of items I couldn't find anywhere else. As I walked in I heard, "Well I'm sorry ma'am. There are only two of us working today. We tried our best."    "Well you need to try harder. I won't be back."  After making three laps around the entire store, I finally found what I needed. I quickly made my way to the counter. There I found one employee gift wrapping a mixer for a customer. The other employee walked out from behind the counter, and left me standing there holding a sleeping child in one arm and my overpriced items in the other. She then helped a customer decide which knives to buy. Well she didn't actually help him. She made excuses about why she didn't know which knives were the best, but she could look it up on the internet. He said, "Well why don't you help that young man first?"  She then walked behind the counter, looked up at me, and went straight to the computer and printed some information for the knife guy. He said, "Go ahead and help him, and then you can help me."   Then, with out looking up, she said, "I can help the next person in line."  She scanned the items and asked for my email address. I said, "You're not getting my email address."   "I have to have it for your purchase."  "Well then your not getting my purchase."  The other employee who was still trying to wrap the mixer after 23 minutes came over and bypassed the email request.  "You have a great day and come back and see us."   "That shit ain't gonna happen. You guys need to get your system straight."

10. Rock Fish Grill        

10 Name Changes To Convert These Bands Into Christian Rockers

1. Go Fast - Go Forth

2. Night Ranger - Night Manger

3. Guns 'n' Roses - Nuns 'n' Moses

4. INXS - INRI

5. Genesis - Genesis

6. J5 - JC5

7. Village People - Village People

8. Heart - Pure Heart

9.The Hollies- The Holy

10. Spirit - Holy Spirit

10 Things I Learned From Gwyneth Paltrow While Watching Country Strong

1. Never wear an all satin outfit on stage because it wrinkles, and it shows where you are sweating.

2. Love is the only thing that truly matters.

3. Never take laxatives because they always seem to work at the wrong times.

4. Never drink carbonated beverages on  show days because it causes swelling.

5. You shouldn't mix pills with alcohol.

6.  Beware of gifts from fans.

7. Limit your alcohol consumption when you're expecting.

8. Don't take someone out of rehab before the rehab.

9. Movies about country music are depressing.

10. If you have a lot of problems you need a lot of pills.

10 Things Most Elderly People Always Seem To Have

1. Time

2. Peppermints

3. Change

4. Windbreakers

5. Large Cars

6. Coupons

7. Gout

8. Time Shares

9. Scarves

10. Laxatives

10 Old War Injuries

1. Two crooked toes because my mother made me wear shoes that were to small. Why didn't I say something?

2. A scar on my upper thigh from a Fourth of July accident.

3. A scar on the corner of my mouth from the slot car incident.

4. Pencil lead in my thumb from an accident in second grade.

5. A gnarly scar on the back of my hand from carrying glass bottles for my aunt.

6. A small scar on my right leg from inadvertently stabbing myself in the leg with a pocket knife I found at the grocery store.

7. Two scars on my right arm from a Brown Recluse spider.

8. A chipped tooth from being tackled by Damien Thompson at the WWT.

9. A small round scar on my nose from being shot by a paper clip.

10. A second chipped tooth compliments of Slaughter.

10 Sports Bloopers From the Past

1. Jose Canseco sent a baseball over the wall with his head, while attempting to make a catch.

2. Bill Buckner had a routine ground ball go between his legs which led to the Mets becoming 1986 World Champs.

3. A fan in Chicago interfered with his teams player trying to catch a foul ball. This led to a huge inning for the other team, and eventually the Cubs lost the series. It's not his fault the Cubs suck.

4. Robin Ventura charged the mound against an aging Nolan Ryan, and received an epic beat down.

5. Randy Johnson once threw a 99 mph fastball that struck an innocent bird that was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think the bird actually survived.

6. Mike Tyson bit off a piece of  Evander  Holyfield's ear after realizing he was over matched.

7. A pitcher for the Giants broke his arm while throwing a pitch. I think it happened to him twice.

8. Plaxico Buress shot himself in the leg at a night club, and went to prison for the incident.

9. I believe a man named Jimmy the Greek made some on air racial remarks during an NFL broadcast.

10. Lawrence Taylor snapped Joe Theisman's leg like a twig. They kept showing the replay over and over.

10 Things I Remember About Pitfall

1. No matter how far you got in the game, if you were killed you had to start over from the very beginning.

2. The character was a stick figure named Pitfall Harry.

3. You had twenty minutes to complete the game.

4. There were 32 treasures you had to collect.

5. The treasures included gold, silver, and bags of money.

6. You only have three lives.

7. You must avoid tar pits, crocodiles, scorpions, quicksand, water holes, and rattlesnakes.

8. The game had very distinct sound effects.

9. You must make way through a maze of road blocks, ladders and tunnels.

10. The original television commercial for Pitfall featured a 13 year old Jack Black.

My Friend Schafer Has Some Wonderful Qualities. His Musical Taste is Not One Of Them. Here Are 10 Bands I Bet He's Into

1. My Chemical Romance

2. Blink 182

3. Sum 41

4. Against Me

5. Eve 6

6. Bush

7. No Doubt

8. Sublime

9. All American Rejects

10. Fastball

10 Things That Live in the Ditch Behind Pizza Cafe

1. Lager Head Turtles

2. Catfish

3. Snakes

4. Minnows

5. Beavers

6. Amoeba

7. Algae

8. Moss

9. Tadpoles

10. Frogs

10 Deaths on Location

1.Bruce Lee-  Enter The Dragon

2. Brandon Lee-   The Crow

3. Twilight Zone The Movie-  Vic Morrow and child actors Mica Dinh Le and Renee Shin-Ye Chen

4. Harry L. O'Connor-  XXX

5. Roy Kinnear- The Return of The Muketeers

6. George Camilleri-  Troy

7. Art Scholl-  Top Gun

8. The Flight of the Phoenix-  Paul Mantz

9. Roland Schotzhauer-  The Final Season

10. David Ritchie-  Jumper

10 Of The Most Obnoxious Television Show Characters Of All Time

1. The Cosby Show- Olivia  (Raven Symone)

2. Welcome Back Cotter- Horshack  (Ron Palillo)

3. Saved By the Bell- Screech  (Dustin Diamond)

4. The Nanny- Fran  (Fran Drescher)

5. Family Matters- Steve Urkel  (Jaleel White)

6. Full House- Kimmy Gibbler  (Andrea Barber)

7. Step by Step- Cody  (Sasha Mitchell)

8. Small Wonder- Harriet  (Emily Schulman)

9. Home Improvement- Mark Taylor  (Taran Noah Smith)

10. Who's the Boss?- Jonathan   (Daniel Pintuaro)

Star Wars Not Star Trek

1. Han Solo is much cooler than Jean-Luc Picard.

2. Chewbacca is a better co pilot than Spock.

3. Star Wars has the ultimate villain in Darth Vader.

4. The Force is more powerful than Spock's death grip.

5. Lightsabers

6. Star Wars has better music.

7. Yoda

8. Star Wars has more realistic robots.

9. Ted Kaczynsci was a Star Trek fan.

10. Star Wars led us to Spaceballs

10 Things To Do On A Rainy Day

1. Sleep

2. Read a book

3. Catch up on your favorite television series

4. Build a fort in your living room.

5. Finish your autobiography.

6. Write a song.

7. Take on a baking challenge.

8. Dance Party!

9. Drink resbonsibly

10. Call a family member and talk about the recent rainfall in your area.

Certain Things Should Be Clarified Before Trying To Teach Children The Constitution

1. "Okay class. What is the Constitution?"   "Is that when you can't go poop?"

2. "Anyone else? Yes."   "It's not about boo boo. It's about 9/11."

3. "Can someone give me an example of Justice?"    "Is it like your rights."   "Yes. Anyone else?"      "Your Lefts?"

4.  "What is Tranquility?"   "It's like when you want an animal to go to sleep, you shoot it with a Tranquility gun."

5. "Can anyone tell me what promotion means?"    "To get a better job?"    "So what does it mean to promote freedom?"    "To change the channel?"

6. "I thought posterity was the way you stand. Sometimes my mom says to have good posterity."    "No. That's posture."

7. "Isn't it supposed to be We are the people?"  

8. "We honor our country by being a good patriot."    "Did you see the Patriots whoop up on the Dolphins last night?"

9. "Dude you just let the flag touch the ground. Now they're gonna burn you."

10. "Salute from your temple? I thought this was a school."

10 Good Television Show Theme Songs

1. The A-Team

2. Cheers

3. Facts of Life

4. Diff'rent Strokes

5. Golden Girls

6. MASH

7. The Jeffersons

8. Fresh Prince

9. Hawaii Five-O

10. Sanford and Son

10 "Crosses"

1. Cross Country

2. Crossbow

3. Cross Colors

4. David Cross

5. Double Cross

6. Triple Cross

7. Crossword Puzzle

8. Cross Fit

9. Cross Cut

10. Cross Your Heart

Friday Night Recap

1. I got out danced by a white boy.

2. I had Hemingway creep up on me.

3. I concocted a robot in my living room.

4. I deconstructed some potato fries.

5. I kept reliving the pivotal move that cost me the dance competition.

6. I called Craig O'neill to explain my evening festivities. He was unimpressed.

7. I hung out with my brother, which is rare these days.

8. I was involved in a freestyle dance party with some of the best dancers in Little Rock.

9. My wife once again proved that her dancing skills are far superior to mine.

10. I fell asleep at 9:30 p.m.

10 Things My Father Taught Me

1. Willie Nelson is a great guitar player.

2. Chickens attract rats.

3. Scrambled egg and mustard sandwiches are delicious.

4. You can make a cake on a barbeque grill.

5. Running a trout line is not real fishing, but it's fun.

6. The Dallas Cowboys are supposed to win the Super Bowl every year.

7. Be a good listener so that you can insert puns when necessary.

8. How to tell a joke... slowly.

9. The locations of all the best breakfast dives in North Texas.

10. How to be a great father.

10 Things That No One Likes

1. Tattle Tells

2. Traffic

3. Rejection

4. The DMV

5. Debt

6. Ridicule

7. 114* Weather

8. In Service

9. A Know It All

10. Rats

10 "Flashes"

1. Flash Gordon

2. Flash Photography

3. Lightning Flash

4. Flash Light

5. Flasher

6. Flash Mob

7. Flash Dance

8. News Flash

9. Flash Back

10. Grandmaster Flash

10 Pieces of Gold From Bill Margrave

1. "I was watching that million dollar Price is Right last night, and this girl won a jeep and a escalade."

2. "I know my Jesus!"

3. "How bout them Cowboys."

4. Luke: "Hey Bill. Thanks for coming to the show."    Bill : "I wish Josh was playing tonight."

5. "It looks like Murdoch went walking through a ranch minefield."

6. "No where else but Little Rock."

7. "Murdoch made Bella cry? He made me cry the first time we met too."

8. "It's funny how they grow when you feed them."

9. "You're the only one I didn't think was guilty, but the only one who could've done it." This is what Bill said to me after I told him that I was the one who opened his chips, ate one, and then put the bag back as if nothing happened.

10. "Woo pig!"

If You Agree With This Post Please Rethink Your Parental Priorities (or don't have children)

1. It is okay to leave your children sleeping in the car, if it is your birthday, and you want to stop by the bar to celebrate with a quick drink. Make sure you lock the doors.

2. If you have just laid your newborn down for a nap, feel free to run over to Walgreens and grab a six or twelve pack of beer. Depending on the length of the nap, you may need more beer.

3. Make sure to roll the windows down if you smoke in the car. You don't want your children to suffer.

4. If you are having trouble getting your child to go to sleep, read a book on how to get your child to sleep. If that doesn't work, just hit your child over the head with the book. That will put him right to sleep.

5. Another remedy for a sleepless child is Benadryl.

6. If you have a baby that won't stop crying, just put a shot of vodka in their bottle and they'll cheer right up.

7. Television is the ultimate babysitter.

8. If you have a defiant toddler, just make him watch Saw IV. Then the next time he starts to act up, tell him, "The scary man from the movie is going to come get you if you don't start acting right."

9. If they tell you, "You're not my daddy!", tell them, "Yes I am. If I had my choice, I would not have picked you."

10. If you really can't handle the responsibility of being a parent, just sell your child on Ebaby.

10 Reasons I Wish I Was Celebrating With Henry Murphy

1. His Laugh

2. His Witty Banter

3. That guy knows how to party.

4. He has duffel bags full of books. Don't you dare try to take his Shakespeare.

5. He has an incredible knowledge of hip-hop.

6. He certainly knows how to mix a drink.

7. He talks shit in a most intelligent manner.

8. His stories get better as he gets intoxicated.

9. I like his style.

10. He is 100% genuine. Happy Birthday Henry.

My 10 Favorite Lottery Numbers

1. 34

2. 33

3. 04

4. 10

5. 44

6. 15

7. 27

8. 21

9. 41

10. 7

10 Celebrity Crushes

1. Claire Danes

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Drew Barrymore

4. Halle Berry

5. Ko Shibasaki

7. Zihi Zhang

8. Sofia Vergara

9. Aishwarya Rai

10. Audrey Tatou

10 "D" Movies That Kept Me Awake Last Night

1. Dazed and Confused

2. Donnie Darko

3. Dante's Peak

4. Die Hard

5. Days of Thunder

6. Desperado

7. Don't Be a Menace

8. Dead Presidents

9. Deer Hunter

10. Dirty Dancing

10 "Keepers"

1. Trapper Keepers

2. Jeepers Keepers

3. Finders Keepers

4. Promise Keepers

5. Bar Keepers

6. Goalkeepers

7. Brothers' Keepers

8. Gate Keepers

9. Zoo Keepers

10. Peace Keepers

10 Weekend Discoveries

1. Spam, all be it disgusting, is delicious in home made sushi.

2. Certain small children should be equipped with their own translator.

3. Sober fun is not always fun.

4. When I meet someone smart, I prefer them to say something intelligent.

5. Instruments are meant to be played, not displayed.

6. I love Ray Liotta.

7. Coconut M&M's are outstanding.

8. It may be harder to pretend to be dorky, than to pretend to be cool.

9. It's hard being a single dad.

10. My children are obsessed with crane machines.

10 Places To Visit If You're Stuck In North Texas

1. Chisolm Trail

2. Serenity Springs Pig Sanctuary

3. Connamera

4. Eisenhower Birthplace and Farm home

5. Southfork

6. Audie Murphy American Cotton Museum

7. Heard Museum

8. Dealey Plaza

9. Dallas Aquarium

10. IKEA

10 Things That Are Impossible

1. Suicide Murder

2. Kissing your elbow

3. For a machine to determine whether  a person is lying

4. To square a circle

5. Biting your ear

6. Tickling yourself

7. No one can say mmmmmmmmmmm for 7 seconds while pinching their nose

8. Killing yourself by holding your breath

9. Eat 50 hard boiled eggs in one hour

10. Doubling a cube

10 Elementary School Memories Off The Top Of My Head Ya'll

1. Square dancing

2. Bus driver Johnny Brown listening to ZZ Top on the way home.

3. Doing back flips off of the swings before they were removed because they were to dangerous.

4. Being grabbed around the collarbone by Mrs. Helton because I was acting up in her class. "I didn't like Todd. I didn't like Randi. I didn't like Kevin. And I don't like you. You little s**t."

5. Mrs. K

6. The music teacher had a deep voice, and she reeked of cigarettes and cheap perfume.

7. Performing "Down By The Old Mill Stream," in a white t-shirt with a bow tie and suspenders which were designed by using puff paint.

8. Mr. Box  threw erasers.

9. The lunch room was sound proof.

10. The lost and found was huge. You could lift the door up and get inside. If your classmate asked to go look in the lost and found for a lost item, you could, if you were quick enough, ask the teacher for permission to go to the restroom. Then you could sprint past your classmate, in order to make it seem as though you had a bathroom emergency. Next you could climb inside and wait for someone to reach in. When they did you could grab there hand and listen to them squeal.

10 "Triples"

1. Triple sec

2. Triple A

3. Triple Bypass

4. Tripoli

5. Triple Crown

6. Triple Play

7. Triple Double

8. Triple Axel

9. Triple Shot

10. Triple Step

My 10 Apps If I Owned An iphone

1. The phone can turn into a taser for protection.

2. Fishing pole

3. Boomerang

4. Night Vision Goggles

5. Underwater Breathing Apparatus

6. Skill Saw

7. Throwing Star

8. Dart Gun

9. Lighter

10. Blow Torch

10 Things For You Dudes

1. Don't wear flip flops. I don't care how nice your feet look.

2. Don't say, "You know what I'm saying?" after every sentence.

3. Don't wear socks with sandals.

4. Don't wear skinny jeans and sag them below your a**.

5. Just because you're working out doesn't mean you have the right to wear inappropriate workout attire.

6. Never wear entirely white tennis shoes, unless you have the gout or your slinging school lunches.

7. No tie dye you hippie.

8. Don't wear jeans with bedazzled jewels on the pockets.

9. Find a woman who can dance you under the table. Trust me it's totally worth it.

10. Don't buy faded jeans. Let them wear out naturally.

10 House Rules Composed By Bella

1. No Screaming

2. No Hitting

3. Do Not Bother Dad

4. No Jumping On The Bed

5. No Calling Names

6. No Yelling

7. No Being Mean

8. Don't Go Into The Bathroom If The Door Is Closed

9. No Peeing In The Bathtub

10. No Running

10 Things That Shocked Me Last Night

1. Someone said, "Twat blocker."

2. A forty-three dollar tab at the WWT. I wasn't even drunk. I love you guys, but you hurt my feelings.

3. Gun shots

4. WM3

5. Nancy has over 130 birds, and Debbie has over 150 rabbits.

6. The clerk at Walgreens acted like he was going to refuse me service as part of his witty banter. "Will you please service me?"   "Oh. I would love to."

7. "Daddy. How many ding dings do boys have?"   Uh-oh

8. There was a tent in my living room.

9. Either a rat or a squirrel ran across my yard, and jumped into the creek.

10. Bella has homework on the weekend.

10 Terribly Overrated Films

1. Titanic

2. Avatar

3. The English Patient

4. The Matrix

5. Braveheart

6. Social Network

7. Shakespeare in Love

8. Solaris

9. Passion Of The Christ

10. Dirty Dancing

10 Things I Heard At William Cobb's Future School

1. "Now class, who can tell me what this is."   "A metallophone?"     "Dude said a Metallica phone."

2. "Yeeees. My dad is Bruce Banner, and you don't want to see him mad."

3. "I hate chicken spaghetti."    "My mom used to make it all the time."    "Why Mr. Kerby? She doesn't love you?"

4. "Ouch! I just slipped and fell in the bathroom."      "My bad. I was daydreaming when I was peeing."  

5. "No. Mace Windu does have a purple light saber. Shh. Here comes Mr. Kerby. He doesn't believe in the Clone Wars."

6. " If you tease me again I'll tell Santa."

7. "If I were a musician I think I would play Smooth Jazz or Metal."

8. "I like your orange back pack. Were you like, 'Give me the brightest back pack you have.'"

9. A child spilled milk at lunch and needed to change his clothes. All I could find was some red shorts and a green shirt. "Great now I look like christmas. I feel good though. And I know I look good."

10. "I'm glad humans don't eat there young like sharks do when they have new born babies. I used to be a new born."

Happy Birthday Jack Lloyd

1. Jack o Lantern

2. Jack of all Trades

3. Jack the Ripper

4. Jack and Coke

5. Union Jack

6. Jack Russell

7. Apple Jack

8. High Jack

9. Jackpot

10. Leather Jack

10 Clues That School Is Back In Session

1. I woke up before 6 am.

2. My wife woke up before 6 am.

3. I packed my lunch today.

4. I drank an entire pot of coffee before 7 am.

5. My car wouldn't start because someone left my lights on for three days.

6. My socks match.

7. Every child I saw had on a brand new pair of shoes. I mean every child.

8. Multiple jobs were delegated to yours truly.

9. I put away about fifty different boxes of Kleenex.

10. There were 8 different varieties of dip in the teachers lounge. Most of them were empty by the time I remembered that I had forgotten to take a lunch break.

Damn Bonefish I Thought I Was In Texas

1. The seating hostess put my name on a waiting list and handed me a pager.

2. I swear I saw a glow stick in a man's martini.

3. Free bread!

4. Bedazzled dress shirts

5. Woo hoo! Bachelorette Party.

6. The two drinks before the meal cost almost as much as the entire dinner.

7. It was like a reality television show on the inside.

8. No matter how far west the location, it's still a strip mall.

9. I was sitting so close to the table next to me, I feel like I know more about them than I do about some of my own kin.

10. Thanks for the gift card, but damn Craig, I'm going to the Olive Garden next time. Do you have a gift card for that?

10 Things You Little Rockers Should Know About Josh And Kevin Kerby

1. Our combined height is 11'5".

2. It takes him ten days to have a fully grown beard. It takes me about twelve.

3. If one of us decides we don't like someone, then we both hate you.

4. Separately we are not very tough, but collectively you better run, and pray that I don't have the energy to chase you.

5. He has short legs and a long torso. I have long legs and a short torso. Put us together and you have a perfect man.

6. We both get mad when someone says, "Are you grouchy?"

7. We are surprisingly crafty.

8. We both married fantastic ladies.

9. We both drive as if we were at the go cart track.

10. We both abuse fireworks.    

10 Things With "Cost"

1. Costume

2. Costco

3. Lacoste

4. Bob Costas

5. Cost of Living

6. Cost Effective

7. Accost

8. Hidden Costs

9. Cost Analysis

10. Closing Cost

10 Sayings I've Recently Heard, And They Will Be Worked Into My Daily Banter

1. "We Gucci." Translation: We're all good

2. "I feel like you're trying to feed me a s**t sandwich."

3. "Put your fist in the sky short i."

4. "Everything we say stays within this circle. This circle gets no bigger than right here, but it can get smaller."

5. "Are you a child of God or not? Then hand me my iced tea."

6. "You are to quietly."

7. "There's strawberries in the computer."

8. "I like to eat, I like to shop and I love that Paper."

9. "Take a break. We ain't government workers."

10. "You like one of them motorless fans. All soft walking and s**t. You scared me."

10 Buttery Things To Eat, Drink, Pick, Catch, or Wear

1. Buttered Pecans

2. Butter Milk

3. Peanut Butter

4. Buttery Nipple

5. Nutter Butters

6. Body Butter

7. Almond Butter

8. Butterfly

9. Butter Cup

10. Cocoa Butter

10 Thoughts That Crossed My Mind While Attending A Workshop Today

1. "Man we need some rain."

2. "I wish I was watching shark week."

3. "Damn. I forgot, shark week is over."

4. "I wonder if I can get to subway and back in 45 minutes."

5. "Am I slouching?"

6. "Now that I'm sitting up straight, I wonder if the people behind me can see."

7. "I wish they had donuts. Who are you kidding? You wouldn't eat them anyway."

8. "That sounds like a sugar coated satan sandwich."

9. "I wonder if I could kill a mountain lion with my bare hands?"

10. "I could totally kill a mountain lion with my bare hands."

10 "Hours"

1. Hour glass

2. Miles Per Hour

3. Final Hour

4. Rush Hour

5. 48 Hours

6. 5 Hour Energy

7. Happy Hour

8. Chris Isaak Hour

9. After Hours

10. Social Hour

I Really Wish I Were Native American

1. I've become deadly accurate with my daughter's toy bow and arrow set.

2. While riding my bike I often pretend like I'm riding a wild horse.

3. I once threw a screwdriver and it stuck in a wooden fence.

4. I prefer to be shirtless.

5. My house shoes are moccasins.

6. My children now refer to me as "Hawk Feather".

7. I'm a great catcher of crawdads.

8. I'm good at avoiding white men that I know, at the grocery store.

9. I just watched Disney's Squanto, and I loved it.

10. This may be a sweeping generalization, but I hate white people.

10 "Hoods"

1. Boyz n the Hood

2. Robin Hood

3. Car Hood

4. Neighborhood

5. Hoodie

6. Tales From the Hood

7. Fort Hood

8. Hood Canal

9. Little Red Riding Hood

10. Hoodlum

Don't Get Your Hopes Up. I Still Don't Know How To Fix/Build Stuff

1. I miraculously fixed my air conditioner, saving my wife and I an expensive after hours service call.

2. I built a chicken coop with my brother. 1 month later it is still standing.

3. I built my daughters a lemonade stand. They were very successful on their first day of business.

4. The flowers I planted three months ago are thriving in this heat.

5. I fixed the side door of my house. It now swings all the way open.

6. I patched holes in my back fence.

7. I patched one of my bike tires.

8. I tightened the belt on our treadmill.

9. I tightened a loose rung on the slide at the playground.

10. I replaced an underground sprinkler head at my parents house.

10 Things My Wife Said In Less Than 5 Minutes

1. "I'm allergic to men lying down."

2. "The T.V. is not a baby sitter."

3. "Is it going to be another pajama day?"

4. "Get up you baby p***y."

5. "You better go take your medicine."

6. "Don't let your daddy sleep past nine o'clock girls."

7. "I made coffee if you wanna get up."

8. "Help me get this dress off. It's to sticky for me to wear today."

9. "What did you say Amelia? You found a potty cookie?"

10. "You know what's sexy about you? When you're working."

Meaningless Knowledge

1. Saved By The Bell-    Mr. Belding's middle name is Homer.

2. Chickens-  Chickens can lay eggs without a rooster.

3. Automotive-   If you are having trouble trying to figure out what's wrong with your car, it's probably the motor mount.

4. Kids- If you find yourself saying, "Why are you doing that?" They do that because they are kids.

5. Lizards- An Iguana can regrow its tail.

6. Science- You can make a home made rocket using Mentos and a bottle of Diet Coke

7. Culinary- Snow peas and eggs are bad when combined into an omelet.

8. Nascar- Watching cars race in a circle is actually quite entertaining, in person, for the first 20 laps.

9. Spelling- i before e except after c.

10. Aviation- Clouds and smoke from a volcano can cause a helicopter to shut down.

It's "Tropical" July 31, 2011

1. Tropical Island

2. Tropical Smoothie

3. Tropical Punch

4. Tropical Storm

5. Tropical Rainforest

6. Tropical Fish

7. Tropical Plant

8. Tropical Adventure

9. Tropical Helicopter Tour

10. Tropical Trail Mix

Scharzenegger (x10) July 30, 2011

1. Terminator

2. Total Recall

3. Predator

4. True Lies

5. Conan

6. Kindergarten Cop

7. Twins

8. Collateral Damage

9. Last Action Hero

10. End Of Days

I'm Still Going To Tip, But Please Don't Do That

1. Don't sit down at the table to take my order. I don't know you.

2. Don't make jokes about what type man you think I am. You don't know me.

3. Do not say, "Wow! You must have been hungry. You wanna lick the plate?" I've been eating fast my entire life. The people I'm dining with know that.

4. Do not neglect my water.

5. Do not baby talk my child.

6. Do not sweep under my table while I'm sitting there.

7. Don't keep asking, "Can I get you anything else?" Just bring me the check and I'll leave.

8. Do not stand over my shoulder, and stare at me while I'm eating.

9. Please do not refer to my wife as, "Momma. What can I get for you? Here's your margarita. I bet Momma's happy now."

10. Do not take the credit card receipt out of my hands before I'm done signing.

10 Things I Would Like to See Today/Tonight

1. Shooting Star

2. Rain

3. Homemade Fashion Show

4. Sunset

5. Bicycle Pump

6. Ice Cream Truck

7. New Shoes

8. Scratch off

9. Pool

10. Van Halen

10 "Fields"

1. Love Field

2. Field of Dreams

3. Right Field

4. Strawberry Fields

5. W.C. Fields

6. Field House

7. Field Day

8. Field Museum

9. Home Field

10. Field Hockey

10 Memorable Traits of Woody's Convenience Store in Allen, TX

1. Their logo was an owl in blue overalls.

2. The floor was old school cafeteria tile.

3. They had the coldest chocolate milk.

4. Fresh Chic-o-sticks.

5. We went there every Sunday.

6. It was owned by a man who looked a lot like the logo.

7. Every parade went right past Woody's.

8. They had green apple, grape, and strawberry bubble gum.

9. They had really icy Icees.

10. You could see into the stock room through the drinks. Someone was always restocking the drinks.

10 Things I Hear on a Daily Basis 7/25/11

1. "I'm dooone."

2. "Pleeeeease."

3. "Can we go to the movie feater?"

4. "You better get your little ass outta the street! Take your little brother to the Walgreens."

5. "Ice cream!"

6. "You don't know how to share."

7. "Where's Craig at?"

8. "She looks like a brat."

9. "No Bella!" No!

10. "I love you daddy."

10 Things I Hear on a Daily Basis

1. "I'm dooone."

2. "Pleeeeease."

3. "Can we go to the movie feater?"

4. "You better get your little ass outta the street! Take your little brother to the Walgreens."

5. "Ice cream!"

6. "You don't know how to share."

7. "Where's Craig at?"

8. "She looks like a brat."

9. "No Bella!" No!

10. "I love you daddy."

10 Rights/Wrights 7/24/11

1. Civil Rights

2. Two lefts don't make a right.

3. Two wrongs don't make a right

4. Wilbur and Orville Wright

5. Right angle

6. Right Hand

7. Right Answer

8. Chris Wright

9. Fight for your Right

10. Right Wing

10 "Firsts" That Did Not Live Up To The Hype

1. First Kiss

2. First Date

3. First Car

4. First Thursday

5. First Pet

6. First Sleepover

7. First Birthday

8. First Day of School

9. First Flight

10. First Period

10 Things Happening Before 10

1.  One tired daddy

2. Two rambunctious girls

3.  Three gas company workers in my back yard staring at each other, saying things like, "Shoot. I don't know? F**k it. If we hit it we hit it. Oh hell. We don't have the right part anyway. We'll deal with it on Monday."

4.  Four frogs released in the play room by a curious three year old.

5. Five frogs killed by a curious three year old frog handler.

6. 6 loads of laundry done, folded, and put away.

7. 7 homemade popsicles in the freezer.

8. 8 library books read and discussed.

9. 9 rounds of the Pictionary card game.

10. 10 more hours before I can clock out.

Tales From A Library Parking Lot

1. There was a man asking me to check his books out for him because he lost his library card. He needed $1.30 to catch the bus.

2. A woman gave me the stink eye because apparently I got to close to her while she was walking and reading. I said, "Thank you girls for being born so I no longer have to kill stupid people."  Bella said, "Daddy you would kill her?"  "No Bella I'm just acting tough. I would never hurt anyone. I'd just try to outsmart them."     "I don't see how you could do that, dad."

3. A man looked at me and said, "What's up big dog?"

4. I watched a car make four attempts to back into a parking space. Then the same car backed into a parked car and drove off.

5. One of the library workers was outside on his cellphone, smoking a cigarette. Oh yeah, he had on jeans, white socks, and flip flops.

6. I saw some benches that looked quite comfortable. They were exceptionally hot, and gave me a free splinter in my leg.

7. Amelia bit Bella, and said, "I like to bite daddy. It's fun."   "Do you need to be in time out."   "Well that's not fun like biting."

8. A man was wearing what appeared to be a trash bag, and running at the Scott Field Track.

9. Three teenagers were walking side by side and enjoying their electronic devices.

10. An older gentleman was slouched way over carrying a book. I thought, "Is that book really that heavy?" Then I stood up real tall, went home, and drank a glass of milk.

10 Areas Where Rednecks Seem to Thrive

1. Making babies

2. Hitting the jackpot at Chuck E Cheese

3. Winning the Lottery

4. Blowing their lottery winnings

5. Talking an incredible amount of trash while receiving a beat down.

6. Driving backwards

7. Snake Handling

8. Noodling

9. Cooking Stew

10. Making a grand entrance/dramatic exit

10 "Changes"

1. La Changes

2. Social Changes

3. Diaper Change

4. Loose Change

5. Oil Change

6. Lane Changes

7. Change Channels

8. Mind Changes

9. Ch Ch Ch Changes

10. Changes Clothes

10 Things that are "Thin"

1. Thin Lizzy

2. Thin Mints

3. Thin Red Line

4. Thin Crust

5. Thin Skin

6. Thin Ice

7. Thin Air

8. Wheat Thins

9. Mini Thins

10. The Thin Man

10 "Thick" Things 7/17/11

1. Thick Syrup

2. Alan Thick

3. Thick Skin

4. Thick As A Brick

5. Thick and Thin

6. Thick Walls

7. Thick as Thieves

8. Thick Knees

9. Thick of it

10. Blood Thick

10 Quotes From a Cafeteria Clerk Named Birdy

1. "Hey Birdy. Why is the pizza square?"       "Same reason you are, I suppose."

2. "Is the ice free Birdy?"               " Birdy don't charge you for a good piece of ice."

3. "It don't look like you have much room left for any more food."    "Yeah I packed my tray pretty full."
    "It looks like you packed yourself pretty full as well."

4. "Next time someone hits you now, don't you hit him back. Kids in In School Suspension have to wait longer to eat. Birdy ain't trying to hurt nobody's feelings, but I know you don't like to wait to eat."

5. "Are you gonna ask that girl to prom or what?"    " I don't know Birdy. I probably won't go to prom."
    "What? You may as well say you ain't going to church on Sunday."

6. "I've been working here for a lot of years.  We've had plenty of perfect football seasons. Perfect losing seasons."

7. "For someone who has so much change, you ain't got much sense."

8. "Hey Birdy. I brought you a donut this morning."       "No thank you baby. There's a few things I've learned working at this school. Never break up a fight. Never give a kid a ride home. And never accept food from children. You just never know. You know."

9. "You still playing basketball."    "Yes."    "Well then I guess you should quit smoking before I tell your mother. You smell like an ashtray. Girls don't like that."

10. "Well be careful around those fireworks this summer. I'll see you next year, if your lucky."

10 Things I Hate To Hear When I'm Angry

1. "Calm down."

2. "Why are you so grouchy."

3. Laughter

4. "Do you need to eat something?"

5. "What is your problem?"

6. "You need to take a deep breath and count to ten."

7. "Do you need to talk to someone about your anger?"

8. "You are such the baby of your family."

9. "Do you know Jesus?"

10. "Think about why you're angry, and we'll start there."

Chicken On My Mind x 10

1. Chicken Pox

2. Fried Chicken

3. Grilled Chicken

4. Chicken Head

5. Chicken Salad

6. Church's Chicken

7. Chicken Soup

8. Aishas Fish Chicken and Barbecue

9. Broiled Chicken

10. Chick-fil-A

Chicken On My Mind x 10

1. Chicken Pox

2. Fried Chicken

3. Grilled Chicken

4. Chicken Head

5. Chicken Salad

6. Church's Chicken

7. Chicken Soup

8. Aishas Fish Chicken and Barbecue

9. Broiled Chicken

10. Chick-fil-A

10 Things To Cure A Hangover

1. Greasy food

2. Sleep

3. Red Beer

4. Sweat it out with a little physical activity

5. Coffee

6. Water

7. Pain Medication

8. Honey

9. Fruit

10. Lie in the dark and put an ice pack on your forehead.

10 Reasons Why I Love My Wife After 8 Years of Holy Matrimony

1. She can disappear under water, and reappear with a giant turtle in her hands. I've never seen anything like it.

2. She is the strongest person I know. She went through child birth twice with no drugs.

3. She has a great sense of humor.

4. She gave birth to two beautiful girls.

5. She thinks I'm the best.

6. She has become the chicken whisperer.

7. She went to Central.

8. She has great style.

9. She has a wonderful spirit.

10. Have you seen her?

I would also like to send Happy Birthday Wishes to our friend Jennifer Finley.

10 Things That Preschoolers and Alcoholics Have in Common

1. They both close talk people at a high volume.

2. They both have young girl friends.

3. They both might pee their pants.

4. They both sleep on the floor.

5. They both touch you inappropriately while attempting to get your attention.

6. They can't drive.

7. Both eat lunch at 10:00 am.

8. Both get dizzy and fall down.

9. They both talk about their mommies.

10. You have to speak slowly, clearly, and give step by step instructions in order for them to understand you.

10 "Lights"

1. Friday Night Lights

2. Christmas Lights

3. Northern Lights

4. Light Saber

5. Night Light

6. Light So Bright

7. Light Weight

8. Lightning

9. Snake Light

10. Moon Light

10 Things That Have a Different Meaning After Having Children 7/9/11

1. "Where are your panties?"

2. "Well that's what happens when you dance with your eyes closed."

3. "Where do you want me to sleep? There's always three girls in my bed."

4. "Why did you pee on the floor?"

5. "Are you ready for your bath?"

6. "Where's your mom?"

7. "Look at your cute little butt."

8. "Will you lay down with me?"

9. "Will you play with me?"

10. "I like your boobies."

10 "Tubes"

1. Youtube

2. Test tubes

3. Boob Tube

4. Tuberculosis

5. Fallopian Tube

6. Inner Tubes

7. Water Tube

8. Tubular

9. Ear tubes

10. Vacuum Tubes

10 Things That are "Rocky"

1. Balboa

2. Road

3. Mountains

4. Horror Picture Show

5. and Bullwinkle

6. Relationships

7. Ground

8. Marciano

9. Top

10. Water

10 Things That Happened South of Markham and North of Capitol Today

1. A teenager crawled into a man hole. When he emerged, his friends took off his shoes and he threw up. Then they all shot bottle rockets at him.

2. A yard guy mowed the wrong yard. He discovered the mistake about half way through, and then left.

3. There was a huge rat chasing a squirrel.

4. A pigeon relieved itself on my left arm.

5. A scooter with a sticker reading, "One less car," had a wreck.

6. A man asked me if I would trade him a screwdriver for a slightly used hunting knife.

7. The gas company hit the water main, again.

8. A snake said hello to me.

9. I saw a small child riding a dog like a horse.

10. Amelia got stuck in a plastic tub while floating in a blow up pool.

10 Reasons I'm Not Celebrating Next Year

1. I have a meat hangover.

2. Our chickens are missing.

3. There was a snake, eating a frog in my garage.

4. Somebody ate my Apple Fritter.

5. I'm tired of pushing children in an uphill parade.

6. I don't want to listen to someone read the entire Declaration of Independence at the end of the uphill parade.

7. I was inches away from losing an eye last night.

8. My head hurts.

9. I have to figure out what to do with yet another blow up pool.

10. I hate cherry pie.

10 Products to Buy for Your Own Fireworks Show

1. Optimum 200 shot in box fireworks display

2. Glo Lantern- This is a very relaxing, bonfire type of display

3. Colussus 173 Shot display

4. Wheely Wonka- Jumbo Spinning wheel

5. Shimmering Saphire Rocket

6. Centurion 105 shot box display

7. The Mega Mix- Includes 2 150 shot box displays and 3 single ignition displays

8. Crystal Empire- A well choreographed 272 shot display

9. Grand Finale Firework- Perfect to end the night. Fills the entire sky

10. Electric Storm- Shoots different colored comets through the air

10 Products to Buy To Build Your Own Fireworks Show

1. Optimum 200 shot in box fireworks display

2. Glo Lantern- This is a very relaxing, bonfire type of display

3. Colussus 173 Shot display

4. Wheely Wonka- Jumbo Spinning wheel

5. Shimmering Saphire Rocket

6. Centurion 105 shot box display

7. The Mega Mix- Includes 2 150 shot box displays and 3 single ignition displays

8. Crystal Empire- A well choreographed 272 shot display

9. Grand Finale Firework- Perfect to end the night. Fills the entire sky

10. Electric Storm- Shoots different colored comets through the air

10 Things That Still Make Me Nervous

1. Rattling Windows

2. Rattling Snakes

3. Fish Hooks

4. My Wife

5. Neighbors

6. DIY Home Projects

7. Noisy Children

8. Conversations with Strangers

9. Flying

10. Salesmen

10 "Bones"

1. Bone Thugs n Harmony

2. Broken bones

3. Dinosaur bones

4. Lisa Bonet

5. Bonafide

6. Bone Density

7. Collar Bones

8. Dog Bones

9. Tail Bones

10. T Bones

10 Things That Happened at the Cool Waves Lemonade Stand

1. Bella made $40 in 30 minutes.

2. A med student gave us $20 for a cup because he always parks in front of our house.

3. The neighbor kid asked, "Will ya'll be open tomorrow?"

4. An old man came by with a lawn mower and wanted some lemonade. He had a $20 bill. We did not have change, so Bella filled his huge plastic cup with lemonade, and said, "It doesn't matter if you have money. You're working harder than we are. Here you go. Stay cool."

5. A guy came by on a skateboard pulled by a dog.

6. A girl came by and said, "What are you guys raising money for." Bella said, "Whatever you want girl."

7. Amelia kept licking the ice scoop.

8. Craig O'neill blocked the neighbors driveway.

9. Gus and Bella kept yelling, "Lemonade! It's Gluten free!"

10. Bella said, "Buy some lemonade. You park in front of our house everyday anyway."

10 Things to Avoid During a First Date Conversation

1. Checking your phone

2. One upping your date

3. Looking over your shoulder

4. Cursing

5. Changing the subject

6. Interrupting

7. Consuming to much alcohol

8. Talking about past relationships

9. Telling your date multiple times how beautiful/handsome they look

10. Comedy club

10 Things That Can Be "Short"

1. Tempers

2. Stacks

3. Circuits

4. y Smalls

5. Cakes

6. Weeks

7. Change

8. Films

9. Term Memory

10. Stories

10 Michael Jackson Videos

1. Thriller

2. Beat it

3. Bad

4. Billy Jean

5. Smooth Criminal

6. Rock with You

7. Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough

8. Remember the Time

9. The Way You Make Me Feel

10. Man in the Mirror

10 Misconceptions Corrected

1. Bats are not blind.

2. Koalas are not bears.

3. Jellyfish are not fish.

4. Polar bears do not eat penguins.

5. Warts are not caused by toads.

6. A duck's quack does echo.

7. If you read in the dark you will not ruin your eyes.

8. It does not take seven years for gum to pass through your digestive system.

9. Ostriches do not hide their heads in the sand.

10. It is not good to be infamous. Infamous means having a very bad reputation.

10 Movies/Videos/TV Shows in which Shaquille O'Neal has Starred or Appeared

1. Kazaam

2. Blue Chips

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm

4. The Parkers

5. My Wife and Kids

6. Johnny Bravo

7. CB4

8. P Diddy's "Bad Boys 4 Life" video

9. Steel

10. Static Shock

10 More Band Names From My Persistent Daughter

1. Snakeskin

2. Underwater Skeletons

3. Indian Ocean

4. Smoke Waves

5. Scales

6. Komodo Park

7. Dragon Tooth

8. Death Tree

9. Smoking Devil

10. Window Pain

10 Celebrities Whose Father's Were Also In Showbiz

1. Angelina Jolie

2. Drew Barrymore

3. Michael Douglas

4. Gyneth Paltrow

5. Sofia Coppola

6. Kate Hudson

7. George Clooney

8. Enrique Iglesias

9. Kiefer Sutherland

10. Charlie Sheen

10 Things That Are "Free"

1. Free bird

2. Freedom

3. Free Willy

4. Free will

5. Free Encyclopedia

6. Free Fallin'

7. Free Ballin'

8. Free for all

9. Free Checking

10. Free samples

The 10 Greatest Robberies of All Time

1. Central Bank of Iraq 2003- The day before the United States bombed Baghdad nearly US$1 billion was stolen from the Central Bank of Iraq.

2. Boston Museum 1990- Two men dressed as police officers, stole $300 Million worth of paintings.

3. Knightsbridge Security Deposit 1987- Two men requested to rent a safe deposit box, then subdued the manager and stole a now worth $111 million.

4. Kent Securitas Depot 2006- The manager was abducted by police impostors, and then $92.5 million was stolen.

5. Great Train Robbery 1963- A 15 gang member stole the US equivalent of $74 million from the Royal Mail's Glasgow to London traveling post office.

6. Banco Central in Brazil 2005- A gang tunneled 255 ft. up to the bank and took $69.8.

7. Northern Bank 2004- Bank officials were threatened and their families were held hostage until they granted access to $50 million dollars to the Northern Ireland Gang.

8. Brinks mat Warehouse 1983- Crooks were granted access to the warehouse thanks to the security guard being the brother-in-law of the gangs mastermind. The gang made off with $45 million worth of gold.

9. Dunbar Armored 1997- A regional safety inspector masterminds a plot to help steal $18.9 million dollars in cash.

10. Lufthansa 1978- Jimmy Burke an associate of the Lucchese crime family masterminded a plan to be carried out by some of his men. The men stole $5.8 million from the Kennedy Airport.

10 Words That Have Recently Been Added to the Scrabble Dictionary

1. Thang

2. Grrl

3. Blingy

4. Facebook

5. Innit

6. Blook

7. Myspace

8. Fansite

9. Darknet

10. Gak &Tik

10 Things I Learned This Weekend 6/20/11

1. There are no friendly snakes.

2. If you chase a snake away from a nest full of baby birds, it will return until it has devoured the prey.

3. Snakes are scarier in the water.

4. People who say that snakes are harmless, have never actually watched a 6 foot rat snake crawl up the side of a cabin, and destroy the lives of two different bird families.

5. The laws of nature suck.

6. All snakes bite.

7. The saying, "They're more scared of you, than you are of them.", is completely untrue.

8. Snakes are not afraid of fire.

9. Minks closely resemble Ferrets.

10. Cream cheese and pork sausage is a delicious combination.

10 Things I Secretly Wish 6/19/11

1. I wish I had a nanny.

2. I wish Vacation Bible School was all summer long.

3. I wish Abby did not work on Saturday.

4. I wish Amelia would make one good choice today.

5. I wish Amelia would quit picking fights with me.

6. I wish Amelia would quit throwing things at me.

7. I wish I had a secret hide out.

8. I wish I was on sabbatical.

9. I wish I could go to summer camp.

10. I wish I could yell, punch, kick, scream, and throw books at people, and still be adorable.

10 Things to Avoid When Drunk

1. Cell Phone

2. Computer

3. Trampoline

4. Electric Cowboy

5. Kroger

6. Sledding

7. Jogging

8. Police

9. Co Workers

10. Driving

10 "Grahams"

1. Graham Parsons

2. Graham Cobb

3. Graham Cracker

4. Paul Graham

5. Billy Graham

6. Alexander Graham Bell

7. Martha Graham

8. Barbara Graham

9. Graham Greene

10. Graham Jarvis

10 Kerby VBS Activities

1. Front yard obstacle course.

2. Wacky Water Romp

3. Homemade Bubble Machine

4. Trampoline Geyser Gush

5. Homemade Porch Popsicles

6. Egg Toss

7. Mermaid Movie

8. Scooter Race

9. Water Balloon Fight

10. Nature Walk

10 Refreshing Summer Time Treats

1. Ice Cream Sandwiches- Bake chocolate cookies. Allow the cookies to completely cool. Then put one scoop of ice cream between two cookies. Place the sandwiches on a tray and place in the freezer for at least two hours. For best results allow sandwiches to freeze overnight.

2. Homemade Ice Cream- No Ice cream maker is required. Get about two pints of strawberries and mash them with a fork or mix them in a blender. In a large bowl combine about two coffee mugs full of half and half, a large can of sweetened condensed milk, 1 cup of heavy cream and 1 tsp of vanilla. Put the ice cream in the freezer for about an hour. When the ice cream is almost completely frozen stir in the strawberries or a fruit of your choice. Enjoy

3. Grilled Peaches- Cut peaches in half. Remove pit. Brush fruit with Canola or Grapeseed oil. Place peaches face down on the grill and cook covered for about five minutes or until grill marks appear. Remove fruit and serve. You may top with ice cream or yogurt.

4. Berry Fool Fools- In medium bowl toss 3 cups of berries with 1/2 cup of sugar, 1 Tbsp. of berry liqueur, and 1 tsp. of lemon juice. Let sit for 20 minutes. Put mixture in a blender and whirl until smooth. In a large bowl beat 1 1/2 cups of heavy cream until soft peaks form. Fold berry mixture into cream. Spoon into bowls and enjoy or freeze for about an hour.

5. Joyce's layered dessert- Get a large bowl and line with a layer of ice cream sandwiches, a layer of cool whip and a layer of Heath bar. Repeat until bowl is full.

6. Pineapple orangesicles- Blend 8 oz. Vanilla yogurt with 8 oz. crushed pineapples and 6 oz. can of  pineapple orange juice concentrate. Blend until smooth. Fill 8 paper drinking cups 1/3 full and freeze for about an hour or until partially frozen. Place wooden popsicle sticks in the middle of each cup. Freeze until completely frozen. About 2 hours.

7. Banana Pudding Ice Cream- Take yourself to Walgreens and buy Banana pudding flavored Bluebell Ice Cream.

8. Karalyn Kerby's Homemade Banana Pudding- Call Karalyn and ask her for the recipe, or ask nicely if she will make a batch for you. It's the greatest banana pudding of all time. Sorry Mom.

9. Lemonade Pie- In a medium bowl, mix 4 cups of softened Vanilla or Lemon Ice cream and 6 oz. can of thawed lemonade concentrate until blended. Immediately spoon into 9" graham cracker pie crust. Freeze for at least 4 hours until firm. Take out of freezer and let it sit for 10  to 15 minutes before cutting.

Rocky Road Sandwiches- Lay out 32 graham cracker squares. Take 1 1/2 cups of chocolate icing and mix with 1 cup of miniature marshmallows in a small bowl. Spread chocolate mixture on half of the crackers. Then take 1 cup of marshmallow creme and spread it on the remaining graham crackers. Next take chocolate ice cream and put half a cup on each chocolate covered graham cracker. Then take the marshmallow covered crackers and complete the sandwich by gently pressing down on top of the ice cream covered crackers. Wrap each sandwich in plastic wrap and freeze until firm. 3 1/2 to 4 hours.

10 Reasons Bella Thinks I Don't Like Canoeing

1.I have to paddle.

2. It's too slow.

3. I'm afraid we're always going to tump.

4. I'm scared of snakes.

5. When we hit shallow water with rocks it hurts my butt.

6. It also involves hiking.

7. We didn't pack enough snacks.

8. Abby had to ride in the back of the canoe so she could have total control.

9. Amelia cried the entire way.

10. I got sunburned.

10 Reasons You Wish You Could Go Camping with Me

1. Homemade Ice cream made from evaporated milk and root beer.

2. Extreme Bocce Ball

3. I serve Mimosas with breakfast every morning.

4. I will paddle and steer the canoe while you sleep.

5. If you get tired, I will carry you back to the campsite.

6. I can build a good campfire.

7. I will remind you to reapply your sunscreen.

8. If we go on a long hike, I will stop and wait if you get tired.

9. I like to fish. If the fish aren't biting, I will drop puns until your ears are tired.

10. I bring my own beer, so we don't have drink 3% Oklahoma beer.

10 Bad Ass Water Parks (Just Drive South)

1. Schlitterbahn New Braunfels

2. Wet-n-Wild Waterworld (El Paso)

3. Splashtown USA (San Antonio)

4. Schlitterbahn Beach (South Padre)

5. Lost Lagoon (at Seaworld San Antonio)

6. Schlitterbahn (Galveston)

7. Splash Kingdom (Canton)

8. Burger's Lake (Ft. Worth)

9. Splashtown Houston

10. Great Wolf Lodge (Grapevine)

10 Disney Movies in Which the Mother is Not Dead (This List is for Deb)

1. Lady and the Tramp

2. Hercules

3. Mary Poppins

4. Lion King

5. Sleeping Beauty

6. Mulan

7. Peter Pan

8. 101 Dalmations

9. Aristocats

10. Toy Story

10 Disney Movies in Which the Mother is Dead or Nonexistent

1. Bambi

2. Finding Nemo

3. Cinderella

4. Little Mermaid

5. Beauty and the Beast

6. The Jungle Book

7. The Fox and the Hound

8. Pochahontas

9. Tarzan

10. Aladdin

10 Reasons I'm More Country Than You

1. I have cousins named Troy, Joy, and Roy.

2.  My Aunt and Uncle had a house that consisted of two separate houses fused together.

3. If I see an animal that looks dead in my yard, I will usually poke it with a stick.

4. I have an aunt who says, "It takes a tough woman to swallow some snuff."

5. I learned to swim when I was two. My grandma wrapped me in a towel, threw me in the water, and said, "If he comes up he can swim. If he don't... he can't."

6. I have been accidentally burned by a cigarette on more than one occasion.

7. I've used a relatives' cigarette to light firecrackers on the Fourth of July.

8. I grew up without Tornado Sirens.

9. My parents went to High School in Farmersville, Texas. Their mascot was the Farmersville Fighting Farmers.

10. I would rather pee outside, even if it is more convenient to pee inside.

10 Underrated Actors

1. Ray Liotta

2. Jason Bateman

3. Danny Trejo

4. Giovanni Rabisi

5. James Spader

6. Ed Harris

7. Mickey Rourke

8. Ben Foster

9. Don Cheadle

10. Chris Cooper

10 Cars That Did Not Live Up To Company Expectations

1. Skoda

2. Yugo

3. Lada

4. Daewoo Matiz

5. Flat Cinquecinto

6. 1981-1982 DeLorean DMC 12

7. Ford Edsel

8. Plymouth Prowler

9. Cadillac Catera

10. Trabant

10 Things to Remember if You See me this Morning

1. Don't touch me!

2. Don't talk to me!

3. Don't look at me!

4. Don't tell me, "It's hot."

5. Don't let me catch you filling up your huge thermos of coffee, before I've gotten my first cup.

6. I don't feel like trying something new today.

7. Don't wave at me to turn, like I'm the idiot who doesn't know that they have the right of way.

8. Don't ask me if I want a donut. "I don't eat donuts. How do you think I keep this girlish figure? I'm hypoglycemic. Do you have any apple fritters?"

9. Don't ask me about my weekend.

10. Don't say, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity."

10 Things I will Hear This Week While Working at School

1. I can't believe we still have to come to school.

2. I don't know why we're here. We're not doing anything.

3. The kids act like they're already out.

4. You got big plans this summer?

5. It's too hot to still be going to school.

6. Those snow days sure were nice, but we're paying for it now.

7. We shouldn't have to come after Memorial Day.

8. It's gonna be a hot summer.

9. Can I be captain?

10. A lot of school's are already out. Why do we have to go so long?

10 Things it's Hotter than According to my Uncle Tom

1. "It's hotter than a Mother F***er."

2. "It's hotter than a Son of a B**ch."

3. "It's hotter than a whore on the Fourth of July."

4. "It's hotter than Hell."

5. "It's hotter than two squirrels f****ing in a wool sock."

6. "It's hotter than a two dollar pistol."

7. "It's hotter than shit."

8. "It's hotter than a whore at church."

9. "It's hotter than a half bred fox in a forest fire."

10. "It's hotter than Georgia Asphalt."

10 Quotes to Solidify my Dolly Parton Crush

1. "I'm not afraid of dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde."

2. "It costs a lot of money to look this cheap."

3. "I had to get rich so I could afford to sing like I was poor again."

4. "I describe my look as a blend of mother goose, cinderella and the local hooker."

5. "If there's a heaven, I hope to hell I get in."

6. "Some of my dreams are so big they would scare you."

7. "There's a heart beneath these boobs and a brain beneath this wig."

8. "I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out."

9. "I have little feet because nothing grows in the shade."

10. "If you want to see the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain."

10 Wrestling Tag Teams from the 1980's

1. Road Warriors

2. Demolition

3. Rock n' Roll Express

4. British Bulldogs

5. The Midnight Express

6. The Fabulous Freebirds

7. Hart Foundation

8. The Mega Powers (Hulk Hogan and Macho Man with Miss Elizabeth)

9. Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff

10. The Killer Bees

10 Poorly Named Products (Some of which can be found at your local Asian Grocer)

1. Tasty Diabetes (Sugar free Chocolates)

2. Pork Joy (Leather work gloves)

3. i Pad

4. PouPee (Press on Nails)

5. Vergina Imported Beer

6. Cock Flavored Soup Mix

7. Batter Blaster

8. Plopp Candy Bars

9.Twinkle Shoot (Cat Tunnel)

10. Easy Off Stripper (Paint Remover)

10 Movie Sequels that are Better than the Original

1. Empire Strike Back

2. Superman II

3. Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior

4. Terminator II

5. Aliens

6. The Godfather II

7. Toy Story 2

8. Die Hard 2

9. Rock III

10. X2: X-Men United

10 Memorial Day Possessions

1. Four free unused Riverfest Tickets

2. Headache

3. Banana Pudding Ice Cream

4. Tickets to Kung Fu Panda 2

5. A fresh package of Skip-bo cards

6. Thoughts of my Grandfather and Uncle

7. Anticipation of our annual family camping trip

8. A desire to win at extreme bocce ball

9. Three chickens who will soon be bigger than the tiny cage they are housed in

10. A father obsessed with photoshop

10 Wedding Observations

1 Embrace after the kiss meaning Brookelyn and Westley truly love one another

2 Little girls turning summersaults during the ceremony

3 Alcohol choices. Wine, Beer and Champagne

4 Children dancing better than your drunkest uncle

5 Pairs of yellow flip flops

6 Topping choices at the grits bar

7 Songs that I truly love played by DJ Marcus

8 :00 Curfew set by my mother-in-law

9 Tears held back watching one of my favorite friends marry a sweet man that she loves dearly.

10 Fans waving in unison to the beat of "I'm In Love With A Girl," as the bride processed down the aisle.

10 Results of Taking Your Child to Work

1. Tiredness from holding your own child while watching other children.

2. Her misinterpretation of Little Red Riding Hood. "What's it called? Little Right Neighborhood?"

3. Her reenactment of Little Red Riding Hood, over and over again.

4. Her saying, "I love my daddy the most."

5. A three hour nap as a result of going to a school with seven sets of stairs.

6. Crying because she misses her own school that has closed for the summer.

7. A child who stays up until eleven as a result of taking a three hour nap.

8. Staying up until 2 as a result of drinking coffee, to be able to make it through the day, with the added weight of bringing my child to work.

9. Comfort in knowing that I won't have to bring my child to work for the rest of the school year.

10. Discovering that it's not babysitting if it is your own child.

10 Pet Peeves

1. Dishes in the kitchen sink with food morsels attached

2. Wet bath mat

3. People picking up objects with their feet

4. People coming into the kitchen before I have finished cooking

5. People texting at the dinner table

6. When someone hangs up the phone without saying bye

7. When I am officiating a school kickball game, and kids yell "Foul!" when the ball is clearly fair

8. When people use one word commands instead of questions when they want something from me
 Ex:   "Hungry" "Outside" "Bubblegum"

9. Door to door sales boys showing me credential and asking for my account number

10. People without jobs or children complaining about being tired

10 Politicians Whose Parent's Must Hate Them

1. Tiny Kox

2. Dick Armey

3. Dick Ball

4. Young Boozer

5. Dick Swett

6. Kinky Freidman

7. John A. Boehner

8. Jay Walker

9. Butch Otter

10. Tripp Self

10 Midweek Quotes from Bella Rose

1. "Dad, someone called me gay today."  
"What does gay mean Bella?"
     "It means Nimrod."  
"What does Nimrod mean Bella?"
     "It means stupid. I can't teach you everything."

2. "Hey Bella, what do you think dad will say when he sees your new baby chickens?"
    "Probably, 'shit another pet'."

3. "Hey dad, I know you love mom, but why are you eating her face like a crab in your wedding picture?"

4. "Dad, can I have your crappy car someday?"

5. "No offense to you dad, but I really wish mom was off today."

6. "You ever notice that Dadoo and Thomas both talk with their hands?"

7. "I hate Justin Bieber."  
"I think he's cute Bella."  
    "Yeah but his music stinks, Dad. Yuck!"

8. We were watching baseball, and someone hit a home run. The announcer said, "That's a dinger."
Bella said, "A dinger ate my baby."

9. "He scared the shit out of that pigeon."

10. "Dad, Amelia hit me."  
"Are you dying?"
      "No. I'm gonna live, but goll!  Just thought you might help me out. Guess I was wrong."

10 Justins

1. Justin Timberlake

2. Justin Kirk

3. Justin Long

4. Justin Bieber

5. Justin Case

6. Justin Time

7. John Justin

8. Justin Sane

9. Justin Appropriate

10. Justin Boland

10 Tragic Wrestling Deaths

1. Randy Savage

2. Andre the Giant

3. British Bulldog

4. Miss Elizabeth

5. The Von Erich's, with the loss of brothers David, Mike, Kerry, and Chris.

6. Magnum T.A.

7. Bruiser Brody

8. Chris Benoit

9. Owen Heart

10. Eddie Guerrero

10 Most Common Answers from 90's Trivial Pursuit

1. John Daly

2. Bob Dole

3. Netscape

4. Michael Jackson

5. Elizabeth Taylor

6. Johnny Depp

7. Tim Burton

8. Mikhail Gorbachev

9. Dances with Wolves

10. Bill Clinton

10 People I Would Like to Thank

1. Larry for putting the cardboard sleeve on my coffee cup.

2. Kroger for trying a little harder to make your store make sense. I didn't see what you were doing there at first.

3. Mason and Joyce for watching my children, while Abby and I went on a date.

4. Kevin because you pick Bella up from school everyday.

5. Katie Mcgowan for the sweet Gunknife.

6. My mother for sharing the last of your Veggie Quesadillas.

7. Dirk Nowitzki for being the best shooting big man in NBA history.

8. Matt Floyd for having great stage presence.

9. Slaughter for only slapping my fresh tattoo one time. You showed outstanding restraint my friend.

10. Bella for having outstanding comedic timing.

10 Zingers from Amelia May

1. "Dad Amelia just ripped my bumblebee sticker."      "Well go to the garden and calm down."
 Then Amelia said, "I'm gonna pee in your garden Bella."

2. "Dad, your like bigger, but your still a girl."

3. "If you ask her real nicely, I bet she'll share with you."    "Amelia may I please have it back?"
            "Nope. Sorry girl."

4. "Dad. I hate this song. It sounds yucky. It's terrible."

5. "You don't have big boobies. You're not like a princess."

6. "You don't even have a crown. You're a bad prince."

7. "Calm down girl."

8. "I don't want plain donuts. I want a pink donut with sparkles."

9. "I love you daddy. You're not so taller."

10. "Give me a kiss Amelia. I have to go to work."     "How about a spanking daddy."

10 Best Tom Hanks Films

1. A League of Their Own

2. Cast Away

3. The Burbs

4. Big

5. Splash

6. Philadelphia

7. Green Mile

8. Forest Gump

9. Toy Story

10. Saving Private Ryan

10 Reasons Why I Love Drexel Dennis Bkaer III aka Trey.

1. When he was younger he prank called a coach from his school. The coaches wife answered instead. Then, Trey said some really inappropriate things. After being caught the coach interrogated our friend Trey.       "Why did you do that to me? I wouldn't call your house and do that to you. So why'd you do it?"                  "Cause I'm nine."

2. The first day I met Trey he was setting up to play a show with Go Fast. He needed someone to go to party city with him. I decided to make the short car ride with him. About five minutes into the car ride he put his hand on my inner thigh, and said, "I'm just fucking with you Mudcat. Wouldn't it be funny if I was serious."

3. Whenever we'd go anywhere, he would have to go back to see if he turned off appliances, and locked the doors.

4. He won't wear shorts because of his skinny legs.

5. He is without a doubt going to be one of the best fathers in history.

6. He used to have a dog that he took everywhere. "Sorry buddy. You're gonna have to get in the backseat. You know he doesn't like any body sitting in the front seat."  Then the dog would climb into the backseat and snuggle up with me.

7. He asks tons of questions. I mean tons of questions.

8. When I stayed on his floor, at night he would say, "Alright buddy, we're gonna watch this movie, and then we're gonna right the best song you ever wrote."

9. He used to go to Barnes and Noble and spend hours looking at magazines. Then he would look at the books.     "You ain't getting bored are you? Sorry. Magazines are like appetizers."

10. He knows how many steps it takes to walk from RAO Video to Vinos.

10 Bad Inventions

1. Battery powered battery charger

2. Hydrogen Blimp

3. Betamax

4. Bumpit

5. Dog Snuggies

6. Asbestos

7. Head On (Roll on headache relief)

8. Inflatable Dartboard

9. Phone fingers

10. Segway

10 Signs That It's a Monday

1. I'm grouchy beyond belief

2. My wife is sick, and I'm still wondering how I'm going to get these kids to school. Also, I still have to somehow get to work on time.

3. The coffee maker leaked all over the kitchen.

4. I spilled our chickens' dirty water all over my foot.

5. I'm wondering, "Why in the world do we have chickens?"

6. I'm pissed off at the weather man, because he just said, "A morning jacket or sweater will be needed."

7. This cat keeps meowing at me, even though she was standing right there when I filled up her food dish.

8. I just banged on the window and said, "Shut up dog! I'm hungry too. You don't hear me barking!"

9. I'm mad at the clock for moving so quickly.

10. I accidentally put ear drops in my eye. Ahhhh!

10 Goodbyes/Hellos

1. Goodbye Kroger                        Hello Food Giant

2. Goodbye Friday                         Hello Family

3. Goodbye Pessimism                   Hello Optimism

4. Goodbye Car                              Hello Bicycle

5. Goodbye Debt                            Hello Money

6. Goodbye Birthday                      Hello Hangover

7. Goodbye School                         Hello Summer

8. Goodbye Children                      Hello Craig O'neill

9. Goodbye Abby                           Hello Dadurday

10. Goodbye Yo Gabba Gabba      Hello Kitty

10 Things That Make You Say Woo

1. Woo Pig Sooie

2. (Wu) Tang Clan

3. Woomp! There it is!

4. Wookie

5. Michael Mcdonald

6. Ric Flair

7. John Woo

8. Blur

9. Il Libretina

10. Little Richard

10 Brians

1. Brian Boitano

2. Brian Rodgers

3. Brian Lovell

4. Brian Youngblood

5. Brian Bush

6. Brian Hirrel

7. Brian Setzer

8. Brian Eno

9. Brian Adams

10. Brian Garlington

10 Booty Songs

1. "Rump Shaker"  Wrex N Effect

2. "Big Ole Butt"  LL Cool J

3. "Da Butt"  E.U.

4. "Baby Got Back"  Sir Mix-A-Lot

5. "Shake Your Booty"  K.C. and the Sunshine Band

6. "Big Bottom"  Spinal Tap

7. "Fat Bottom Girls"  Queen

8. "Back That Ass Up"  Juvenile

9. "Ms. Fat Booty"  Mos Def

10. "Face Down, Ass Up"  2 Live Crew